of all that it was..

and the year that it was
with more ups than downs
with more of smiles than that of frowns
of tears of joys and the throttles of the laughs
of the many 'goodbyes' and the innumerable 'HIs'
of the few lost and the some founds
of being the devil and acting the clown
and of the best christmas under the mistletoe..
the year that it was
all thoroughly animated
and as it finally rolls over
its the new begining all over again.

stupid!

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isnt it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you built up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...and then your life isnt your own anymore."

The above quote-unquote isnt my own.. and neither it is any result of some of my oft wandering nomadic thoughts and randomness.. but it definitely is something that clearly defines (in clear crisp lines) and accurately pin-points the "stupid" things that i want to tell.. (sic). i happen to pick the above quoted lines from my favourite zeitung (oh gosh! how i missed Deutsch, (sic)) which had further quoted it from "The Sandman" by Neil Gaiman..

and yes, true it is.. when offlate, i have been almost falling-off-the-chair types eager to go out and be with that stupid person, day in and out thinking about that stupid person, never ending conversation with that stupid person.. well yes, it has been pretty much the stupid me lately.. and im not ashamed.. not at all.. and neither am i shying away from all the stupid nothings which i have been keeping busy with that stupid person.. i know that i am not making any (stupid) sense either, but somehow all these stupid somethings are actually looking so like not stupid stuffs..

"Love takes hostages...It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. Its a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

and yesh.. at present, i am loving being stupid. period.

and she lived a life too many.

she was her her confidant.. she was her only.. sole.
she was his best.. she was his reflection.. she was his only..
she was the "daughter" and she made them proud.

she was the doll.. she was the 'sweet'est..
she was the "love" which lived on..
she was the "roshni" in broad daylight and the darkest night..
she was her Faith's incarnation..
she was the "face" in the family.

she was the "best friend" and the secret confidant..
she was the best buddy and the help-of-all-times..
she was the night-walks companion..
and she was his secret muse.

she was the youngest among all..
she was the noticed one by all..
she was the guitar's love..
she was the beat's delight..
she was the commoner..
yet she was the only one.

she was the companion..
she was the partner..
among the moon gazing and coffee beans..
she was hers-- "clone".

and then she moved on..
in search of her homeland.

she was Bangali, Jill, Shrek, Kiddo and Item..
to name just a few..
and she had Auroo, Psycho and Shweetu to be followed..
Aritree and Ari never to be forgotten
and the latest addition of Baccha.
with Cat and Princess all galore,
she somehow misssed the Angel in the crowd..

and yes. she lived a life too many..

*sigh!

23 is always equal to "23"

they run a commoner's club.. all brutally alike in each and every aspect.. after all they both are the 23 club members.. and cancerians on top of that.. and that results in one hell of a combo.. fosho!
and their's is one real roller coaster ride..

it started on a high..
a real highest high.. kicked off real well.. it had the perfect "cancerian" preferred background.. long distance travel, in the night..everyone around in deep slumber amidst total darkness.. the only sound coming was the rythmic chugging of the train and the only illuminating source was the gleam of the distant light coming in through the window of the train.. and they had the entire night to them.. all by themselves..and they sat through the whole night.. sat close.. never moved.. never changed positions.. never wanted to.. the night gave way to one week of being together.. and yes, they had the whole week's worth nights to themselves.. in their savoured solitude..

and then it started coming down.. and well, it was caught unawares so it had a real bad fall! neither of them spoke upfront.. only communicated in "answering syllables".. and suddenly all the warmth disappeared.. like it was sucked away by some real powerful suction pump at work.. 

and then again as fate would have it.. people around them, (un)knowingly started putting them together.. almost everytime and every occassion.. the conversations increased.. in gradual steps.. the awkwardness still hung about.. but during that time in space, it was just like that train journey moments.. coz, they both knew what the other meant to say.. cancerians.. and clones.. a deadly combination..

and today, after a quarter of a year (yes, it took that long a time), they were (again) set up together.. packed off to a place 30 kms away, for the entire day.. and try however hard as they may, the innate comfort level does mange to seep into and through their (till then) controlled demenour.. and it started with "atheist" and "agnostic".. the fav topic of discussion for both.. and both having the identical views on it.. (obvious (sic)) and frpom then on, there was no turning back.. it was just like the train journey quarter of a year back.. and yes, it had the same cancerian preferred travel set-up.. dark moonless night, and cold chilly winter air, piercing through them as they rode their way back..

yes.. 23 is always equal to "23"!

"meko toh laga tha there's no secret between us"

colombus took the first shot to prove his fellow mates that the world is not flat.. it is a round ball.. indeed.
we have all the scriptures stating that time moves in a circle.. it all comes back in someway or the other.
justin timberlake also realised it and made this statement stay on everyone's lips (and i'd say the best way to make a highly philosophically profound thought acceptable to the masses)--"what goes around comes around".

and it really works.

same time last year,  i was probably bursting away with uncontrolled excitement and enthusiasm for the most coveted countdown.. drove everyone nuts with my counting it down from 336! same time last year, i was also a party to one of the worst ever fights, which almost convinced me of my end to the countdown.. but it survived it all.. and thrilled, was i! (boy, you will never know!) same time last year, not a day went by without "seeing" and "listening".. and thus it came to the picture--"meko toh laga tha there's no secret between us."

same time this year, im still excited for my countdown.. but it suddenly exhibits voids.. my turn to say,
"meko toh laga tha there's no secret between us."

sometime last year, my bestie was upset with me.. same time this year, i am in the perfect place and time to say,"meko toh laga tha there's no secret between us." but then logic and reason take over my thoughts.. and yet, it cant hide the feeling of being decieved..

justin timberlake made it really easy for everyone.. "what goes around comes around".

..And She was the same She.

She was

careful, yet carefree.. but never ever careless
patient, but never a bore..
coz she was gifted with the treasure of patience
loved staying indoors
calling all her friends at home
tirelessly fiddling with her "ranna-bati" and turning over her numerous books
obedient and loved, she knew she was always safe.

and She is

still somewhat careful.. but at times loves flirting with "careless"..
carefree to being free-spirited..
She loves spreading her wings to reach beyond all boundaries..
dislikes being "defined".. always searching for the freedom of Her words..
enamoured by Her solitariness amidst all the surrounding brouhaha
"home" holds a new meaning to Her--
Her bed of boxes, Her mirror, Her wardrobe, Her walls and Her door, and Her priceless thoughts,
all fully ornate.


and looking back at the remains of the days gone by, She lets loose a "sigh"----
"She was the same She, indeed".

cheated!

"ChEaTeD"
it is not always used to define a phenomenon which involves the action acted upon by someone else onto you. it may not even be necessarily the case which defines the vice-versa action.
wierd, you say? not really.. complex?? well, maybe.. its more like you have to be a bit 'khiskhofied' (a term made fav by oft and repeated use by a said-person) to really understand what i mean by it..
and yes, it again goes without saying that 'khiskhofiedness' is a mandatory trait for anyone who posseses even the remotest hint of a wish to understand this post. period.

leaving all aside..
i felt cheated today.. not because someone played games with me.. but because i realised that i was cheating myself.. and i should either terminate it properly or leave it hanging abruptly.. and the worst part is---even at this moment, i cant make up my mind as to what is worse.. 

it was a fling.. or ,maybe even a careless (ad)venture.. never realised how it began.. never realised how it took form.. and never (again) realised how it grew and morphosed into something i will never recognise nor can i even accept without hesitating even for once.. but it existed.. rather, blossomed, even..  but at the end wilted away.. and the worst part, it is still there.. hanging on..