by my side

By my side
You’ll never be by my side
You’ll never be ’cause
I’m fake at the seams
I’m lost in my dreams
I want you to know that I can’t let you go
And you’re never coming home again
And you’re never coming home again

By my side
You’ll never be by my side
You’ll never be

I wanted to tell you I’d changed
I wanted to tell you that things would be different this time

I see you
You see me differently

I see you
You see me differently

You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again
You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again
You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again

this is for you, m

if i told you a secret you won't tell a soul
will you hold it and keep it alive
'cause its burning a hole and i can't get to sleep
and i can't live alone in this life
so look up,
and you stand at the crossroads of high roads and low roads
and i've got a feeling it's right
if its real what i'm feeling and there is no make believing
the sound of the wings of the flight
of a dove,

take it away
don't look down the mountain
if the world isn't turning your heart won't return
anyone, anything, anyhow
so take me, don't leave me
take me, don't leave me
baby, love will come through
it's just waiting for you


p.s i'm still hesitating.. scared of what you will think.. how you will take it.. and this very fear puts me back by at least 10 paces for every step i take or try to take forward.. i cant be sorry much.. but, i really am.. really really 'sholly'..
love forever.
-k.

(guilt/load)sortings.

sometimes you are supposed to tell people.. supposed to tell not because you owe them.. but because that is the only way of doing.. telling people.. not out of obligation.. but out of the sheer fact that there is no other way out than telling people..
just that moment for me.. i have been at fault.. a defaulter.. and yes, i will have many people jumping on me like bloodhounds this very moment.. and yes again, i will have a couple of people jumping on them to save me from those bloodhounds.. thats how it works.. thats how the people work.. and thats where the supposed to tell people part comes..
the people involved here, arent too many.. but the tellings to be told are pretty much indefinite.. too long a list to actually make a concrete one.. and too long a list to even abridge it, justly..

****

this one for a certain ms.j

i dun call you by that name.. i have in fact almost never called you by that name.. but that still remains the official initials of your name.. and so, i decide to persist with it here.. you know you will always be my 'what i always call you by/as'..

you have known it from the very beginning of it.. and you have known it in all the minutest details of it.. intricately.. exclusively.. a rightful wingman.. so you know it all..

and i cant lie.

sometimes i feel maybe this wait has tested me way too enough.. and way too long.. maybe i dont have it in me anymore to see through the most waited upon 'third'.. it feels wierd.. i feel wierd.. and i dont know why.. i know i could tell you all of this.. the only thing stopping now is your new found life, though i know you will never object me to it.. and maybe the moment of it now.. 

im sorry, coz i know im being very lame here.. but im sorry coz i know no other way as of now.. except for one--that you should know.. and that i am supposed to tell you..

****

this one is for a very special and certain m

you should have been the first one in the list of telling to people.. and yes i owed it to you.. and you had the legitimate right to know.. from when it started.. how it started.. and where it reached.. everything.. and i have always kept you away from it.. knowingly.. deliberately.. teased you with it.. played around.. but never gave you the facts.. and im sorry..

coz, how much so ever that i want you to know, i can never bring it all together to tell you everything.. i dunno and i never knew.. what stopped me then and why im still hesitating.. you know me the way no one else does.. yet, this one thing which is the most precious to me, i have kept it away from you.. and i know, i cant tell you sorry enough for that..

i dunno why i feel i have to tell you now.. yes.. all that you guessed were true.. a certain 'we' involved, reached base-**.. almost touched base-***..  and there were initiations from the 'other'.. and there were confessions..

more than once.. 

more than one time..

****

dark and twisty.. within.. well yes.. pretty much there.

chasing liberty---->@ liberty!

liberated.. to let go..
liberty.. "freedom" sans restrictions..

i have always known what it meant.. in terms of definitions.. in terms of words.. (i  have a unique way around with words)

run a dictionary search and you will get your treat of words.. Oxford's, Webster's, not to forget about their respective thesaurus, then you have the Wikipedia version as well.. so you see, no dearth of wordily words..

and currently adding on to the legal overdose tending towards an overkill, with the heavy sedation of liberal and liberty as per the Constitution-- part-III and part-IV, duly taken care of.. (phew!)

and well, this ain't intended to be a words' worth.. for a change, that it.. this is purely and totally based on the feeling.. that feel when you know its so liberating.. felt that ever? eh? then you know what i'm talking about.. and you know how it feels.. 'coz even when you are reading it now, you are transported back to that time and you cant help but to smile as you glide on over these lines..

dancing as if you dun care.. real proper routine dance.. not the random wriggle and the fun acts.. the rigorous strenuous performance.. at the end of which you are left with heavy breathing, increased pulse, sweat dripping down along every frame of your body, ligaments screeching in protest, as if they will just burst out, muscles throbbing and a buzz in the ears.. you know you are just biologically present.. but you are in a different space altogether.. and at that point nothing really matters.. who you are, what you mean, where you belong-- nothing.. that's when you feel liberated.

spending hours in the kitchen.. preparing a dish from the scratch.. buying ingredients, sorting them, washing the veggies and the other requisites, peeling and cutting and dicing and shredding.. cooking, with the accurate measurements and the punctuality of a timer.. and the end result--the waft of the aroma when you open the lid just a lil' bit of the fraction.. and yes, you know--this is it.. the kitchen looks a mess.. but who cares.. you are too happy even to care.. so happy that you actually go back to the scrubbing and the cleaning of the kitchen, a happy elf.. liberating, indeed.

talking of speed, i have always been a part of the 100 club.. riding a pillion on the highway in the afternoon at well over 100 (it feels insane).. riding with my sweetheart, with him racing against the time to reach his hostel before the curfew.. again well beyond the previously stated 'well over 100'.. i felt "safe" (strange).. being on your own, letting go of all the inhibitions and touching upon that 100 and being in super control.. yes.. its worth the exalt.. and yes, i did deserve a 'check myself out' in the rear view mirror after that.. and that priceless feel..liberty.

yep.. the very same.. and i can say that know even i know the feel of it.. and yes, it feels bliss.. haven.. even better than probably the sweetest love with my sweetheart.. ( sholly *.*, this one has raced you to the top..) yeah, that might have touched some nerves.. *wink!*

so, its truly, chasing liberty.. forever!

*cheers*

10 things I hate about You

I hate it when it comes to the "ta-ta"

I hate it when it comes to the shifting of the seats

I hate it when it's still moulded in Your frame

I hate it even more when I feel it gradually coming back and taking my shape

I hate it when it comes to the pulling down of the window glass

I hate it when Your fingers linger over the frame

I hate it when its dripping with obligation and screaming with reluctance

I hate it when it comes to the final meeting of the eyes

I hate it when it's all so overwhelming that it makes my cry

I hate it when I know that You'll turn back but I can't even look..

and one thing that I hate the mostest about You is that I have known no other way, but to love You.

matching! :D

and voila!
that might just be.. indeed..

yellow shoes.
check!
(i have yellow shoes.. like these ones)

blue shoes.
check!
(you have blue shoes..like these ones)

i still am required to be on my toes.. (and i hate to say this)+1 inch, not quite enough to set it off, against.. *:wink!*

so, yeah..
that's pretty much matching.. and a matching illustration as well!

mush--------> maxim!

"agar ye usko bhi hua hai fir bhi mujhko zyada hua"

"bada ye dil nadaan tha par aj kuch zyada hua"

"chhupane ka tha dar tujhe pata nahi kyu zyada hua"

Black magic

it was returned to me brand new.. sucked clean of all that it harboured.. the air.. the dust.. and everything old.. even Your essence.. and the sweet feel of Your presence..  the very reason for which i was stalling the installation of the air freshener..all gone when it came back to me.. it was as good as brand new..
gleaming.. glistening.. the rain drops like jewels.. yes.. it was smooth.. more, maybe.. but it lacked the old-world charm.. it felt just like any other conveyance.. the air was different.. the only assurance was the way the seats still felt.. the only remnants of a once-upon-a-time You.. and so, the freshener came up, pronto.. and its sweetness reminded me of all those erstwhile sweet moments.. happy memories.. scarred by the frightening possibility of it ultimately remaining at that.. (some sad incidents to be blamed for that).. but the cosmos conspired.. the stars spoke.. once again.. and this time, it was all reinforced.. the air coupled with Your scent.. the feel added with Your touch.. the infinite impressions made and stamped and marked.. the essence returned..
and its now, brand new with You.. and its the best that i can have.. the Black wove its magic..!

*ditto!*

"I love You without knowing how or when or from where. I love You straightforwardly without complexities and pride. So, I love You because I know no other way."

says it all

“If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I.”

"beautiful love"

Far away, I feel your beating heart 
All alone, beneath the crystal stars 
Staring into space, what a lonely face 
I'll try to find my place with you 

What a beautiful smile 
Can I stay for awhile? 
On this beautiful night 
We'll make everything right 
My beautiful love, my beautiful love 

Larger than the moon, my love for you 
Worlds collide as heaven pulls us through 
The secret of the world is written in the stars 
I'm carrying your heart in mine 

Maybe a greater thing will happen 
Maybe all will see 
Maybe our love will catch like fire 
As it burns through me 


My beautiful love