"you maynot be 'anyone' to the world..but you may be the "world" to someone.."

i've grown up listening to this line.. all along the journey called (my) life, i've had people who would patron for the above metioned.. n so, i kinda took to the line as granted.. never really "realised" wat it really meant.. wat it really held in it as the truest n innate "essence.." but for yesterday..

yes.. in fact, yesterday was the fateful day (or nyt, or the insane hrs of early morning) after 22 long (n short) years of my life, that i could realy fathom the true meaning and the truest essence of the oft-said line.. n i was shaken..

if you say, that i should have been happy on realising the meaning (which is nothing short of a mystery being unravelled, gradually, layer-by-layer, in front of my eyes), i was not.(period). maybe because the reason of it was nothing short of making me "not happy"..
but still, it goes thus.. i realised that i AM n i mean the WORLD to someone.. n even if im not happy (or rather, i fail to percieve any emotion associated with it as "happy", per se), im GLAD.. :)

n that gives me a reason more to live.. till the time i live (voluntarily)..

only time..

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows?
Only time...
And who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?
Only time...
Who can say why your heart sighs,
As your love flies?
Only time...
And who can say why your heart cries,
When your love dies?
Only time...
Who can say when the roads meet,
That love might be,
In your heart.
And who can say when the day sleeps,
If the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart...
Who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?
Only time...
And who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows?
Only time...
Who knows?
Only time...
Who knows?
Only time...

it should technically get better..with each and every passing day.. after all, its said, "time" is the best healer..so, as per that,it IS bloody goddamit supposed to function exactly that ways!

but its not.. n in fact far far away from it..and it becomes more n much more profound this time (of the year)..its a desperate try of mine, to turn mutant to it, n everything of it n associated with it.. n with each passing day, its thrashed..literally..violently..this time of the year..

coz, rather than taking me far away from it, it actually gets me to that special place.. a place, where i no longer wanna be..

n no my dear.. this doesnt bear the tag "you n i"..

just..so...

can i say that i love you?
'coz, you know what-- i really do..
and there exists no such means and measures
for me to tell you, how much-so-ever
that i do!

so, i just wanna say--
I Love You.

cacophonic silence

 it was funny.. coz i dint know that it'll happen..
its stil funny, coz its hard to believe that it actually happened..
psychology,....., you say.. n so do i.. but how do you go on to define?
i cant, n so, i leave it on you.. you see, n you decide :)


its funny because, even though of 'speaking' everyday (nyt), we dint 'speak', per se..n all of a sudden, the desire n the urge to 'speak' n 'hear' you became so prudent n prominent, that even before i could realise n reason with myself, it had broken the shackles of all the realisations n came forth.. it was like, as if its hung there.. omnipresent..only, making its presence felt today, in everything...every sensation.. the air, the wind, the sky, the clouds, the light, the dark, the moon.... but i still reasoned..vehemently.. you see, im afraid and scared..i dun wanne be left scarred..again..n then a compromise.. i imagined.. n i was happy.. coz i neednt be scarred again....

but, then it was realised..you made it realise.. the omnipresent presence was never so signified..n for a mo' wen i heared you, i was lost.. for words, for feelings, for realisation, for reason.. i was, just n simply, lost.. blissfully so.. n wen i came back (n wen you made me come back) , i embraced it all..the air, the wind, the sky, the clouds, the light, the dark, the moon..

*shut up!*
:)
<3

why is it so, n why is it not so?

why is it that we both have to get the calls from those specific people on the same day?
why is it that you can tell me abt it so uninhibitedy and i cant?
inspite of the fact that there exists no secrets between us, why is it still that i cant recount it to you?
why do i always feel engulfed in that wierd feeling and sensation wenever you tell me abt that?
and why i dun seem to have any answer to any of the above questions?
and why my not having answers to these questions bothers me to no end?

situations..telepathy..n j! :(

situational similarity..rather situational "same-pinch".. and surprisingly though, had it been other matter, i probably would have laughed it off taking pride in it.. but somehow, for some wierd inexplicable reason n feeling, im not happy.. in fact there is a well defined feeling and a continuous subjection towards a definite and steady jabs of jealousy..or, as it can be said, "pangs of jealousy" (sic)..and it involves the "telephone", "a voice" and maybe something else too.. and unfortunately it all coincides.. :(
there lies one difference though.. a big one.. and it has to do with the awareness.. im aware of it.. n you're not.. n there the difference starts and ends ther itself.. im aware, n so, i get the "jabs".. you're not, n so, maybe, you dun even know..
i hear a voice saying "oh c'mon now, stop being so privy..let him be happy..after all thats all you were aiming n thats wat you should want too"..and then it also says "happiness, but not in this manner"..

yes.. its as clear as it can get.. now.. and probably, it has been this way..since, even i've forgotten, wen..

yes im j..n i get j.. with every mention of it..n every hope of it..

maane ki?? :)

pujo maane--
notun jama, notun jooto;
ghure-berano aar boi-bondo ;)
notun shaaj, she-i pran;
aar she-i prane-te, notun gaan..

pujo maane--
she-i chena raasta-e ochena shaaj,
charidik aalo-e bhora akash,
loke'r dekha-e mukhe haashi,
aar, she-i haashi-te bhora ei shoba'r shaaj! :)

tai to pujo..aar ki, abar? :)

pseudo-BONG(ing)!!!! :)

i've often ended up wondering about the possibility of 'mistaken identity' concerning me.. coz, however hard i try, i always find myself to be thoroughly averse to the very 'bong' element. which, by far, should have been something innate.. n which is all and evrything, BUT that :P n it goes without definite mention that im not even doing much to make it an 'acquired' phenomenon either..
so, finally, i've made peace with me being "pseudo-bong"! where all my "bong"-ing is limited to me being born to "thorough-bred bong parents"!

so, coming back to the present day..;)
its mahalaya! the day that marks the descent of "goddess durga" on the mortal ground..n the preceding night, i'd made loadsa plans with pops regarding the time he should be waking me up n wat station to listen to n wat not..n well, it kinda remained at just 'plans'.. :P
n so, the day starts with me receiving the first "shubho mahalaya" msg from my (then once) (girl)friend :);) *chuckle*.. a complete bong msg..n my first reaction to it was just a blank stare at my phone's screen for sometime.. n it was only after a good 40 mins, did i think of passing on the 'same' msg to some other ppl (read: significant ppl).. one of the underlying characteristics of a 'pseudo-bong'.. ;)

n of those ppl (read: significant ppl) whom i passed on the msg, one happens to be a certain gujju-punjabi :P with some amalgamation of tamil, marathi n wat not!!! (n sincerely and fervently hope, that if "you" happen to be reading this, im not grounded afterwards!:P) n the very first reaction "ye kya hai re?translate karna:)"
n then it hits--BANG! i'll have to "TRANSLATE" this "bong" piece entirely!!!! n word-by-word not just the rough estimate of it! n so, i start.. a laborious plodding at the bong-translate-to-english task.. n it took me a good part of the 30 mins spent in that! but the end result..???
well, just as i mentioned, it always pays if the person is anything but bong.. :P n so, wat followed was "nice msg"..further followed by "nice translation" ":)" (n it also pays "handsomely" if the "person" happens to be happily biased for you!)


n so, there it was.. my first take on "pseudo-BONG-ing"!! :D

p.s. : the other two ppl (read: significant ppl) happened to be mamma n pops.. i recieved a "shubho mahalaya" from pops [:)] n a quite "visibily" happily surprised call from mamma :P

n yeah, its still "you", who got my famous attempt of its translation! ;)

shubho mahalaya.

thank you!

WHEW!!!!
n thats exactly enough to describe the way im feeling..now..one word to explain it all :) been really sorta rough last few days, n if you go further back, might have even been a couple of weeks.. but yeah, FREE today:) inspite of the fact that the next couple of weeks are gonna be equally (if not more) hectic, plus, i have a viva tomo( on which i'll be marked!), for which i have no clue at all, till this very instant (that im typing this :P)

anyway, i say "thank you" for a lot of reasons.. firstly, a direct confrontation with myself, and then acting onto it.. :)
and then, well, this is gonna sound a lil bit wierdly absurd.. :P
this goes to the person, whom i've left no possible stones( bricks or even gravels) unturned, to curse in each and every possible way..but, as it stands now, i really say "thank you".. in fact, i never even considered or rather never liked to even consider that person as a 'person' even, per se.. and i had even crowned him as a 'rodent' (with sincere and due apologies to the original class of rodents in the animal kingdom! ;):P no offense!!!). but, inspite of all this, i say "thank you" to you today! (n its NO WAY that you're gonna be reading it..so, it still leaves me with a fair amount of scope and freedom to indulge myself in a few cuss words ;) lol!!)

your method of insisting on making a draft and then building it on gradually to the final manuscript for a report, and all the efforts, kinda helped me..then.. n now.. i din realise it then(well, your continous presence and breathing down on my neck (literally!) dint go a long way in making it easier and condusive), but, i do realise it now..albeit a bit reluctantly at first.. :P so yeah! this is for you :)

thank you, RAT! :)

i may have it all, n i may even have you all
n yet i feel, i have none-
neither all of it, nor even a part;
of you ,or the stuffs galore..
but im surrounded with everything, with splendour aplomb,
n yet nothing, with bare spaces waiting to be filled..

but my eyes are filled
to the brim n more
than even what they can hold..

-A
30.9.10.

i may have it all, n i may even have you all
n yet i feel, i have none-
neither all of it, nor even a part;
of you ,or the stuffs galore..
but im surrounded with everything, with splendour aplomb,
n yet nothing, with bare spaces waiting to be filled..

but my eyes are filled
to the brim n more
than even what they can hold..

-A
30.9.10.

can i miss you the way i did
when you were not there..but were still, with me..?
amidst the thoughts, like the deep blue sea
that lives on, even when.. they are not to be.

-A
28.9.10.

now n then wen i see your face
you take me away to that special place
and if i'd stare too long
i'd probably break down and cry....

:'(



You may say that I'm not Right
but I'm not Wrong-
I just dont Feel.
Ypu may say that I dont Feel
but its not that-
I just dont Share.
You may say that I dont Share
but I still deny.
You may say that You dont See
and then I say-

"maybe, You're not the Right,
and so, You dont Feel, that I Share,
and so.. You dont See."


-A
26.9.10.

YOU n I

the day, wen even "YOU" will be "I",
that'll be the day, "YOU" will know it why..
n it wont come (or may even come), by "YOUR" saying that-
"so, henceforth, you can say "ME" as "YOU"...."
coz, say as i still-
it still depends very much on "YOU";
for "YOU" to be "I", too...!

:'(

-A.
23.9.10.

first fight..n "gnite" :)

it all started tonight-
with a wierd discussion, or,
had might even been a 'fight'?! :-o
and the reason, well,
it might have been unknowingly hidden,
for all prying,
for it, that we might! ;) :-P
but sense prevailed and peace restored-
with all smiles and "no-barred-holds" :-D
so, here am i,
running outta "rhymes" :-P
wishing you-
a very "good night!"
but my style-
"gnite.. sweetdreams.. your dreams.." :-* mvah! :-D

-A
10.3.10.

well yeah!
this was the very starting point..well, not really the "starting point" of the conversations, which was already boasting of a (then) month n a half's worth value :P (*chuckle*), but yes, a definite starting point of formation of unsaid n unspoken bond.. n a fight was the inception! voila!
and the fulcrum- "goodnight"! :D:P

n the parties concerned are so accustomed to it, that it has become a 'by-default' part of their everyday's existance :)
n it holds true..till this day.. n the instant :)
<3 it!