exerpts

i love you so, that it hurts.. 
it hurts so bad.. 
i know, not loving you, will hurt too..
but loving you hurts so bad, that i think, maybe the hurt of otherwise wont be that much of a bad..
just maybe..

the 'after'

and when #TharkiGaay dreams a dream that features #KhulaSaand in it, it is not #Paradise..

yes.. definitely..
a dream that leaves a bitter after taste behind.. bitter not because of the characters featured in it (like featured as in the dream).. but because of THE characters involved.. more specifically, because of the One specific character involved..

the only grateful part being, the dream per se, is not left behind.. wiped clean.. except for the notion that there was a dream, and that's irrefutable, which is, actually and essentially, what makes the entire thing as, 'not' #Paradise..

this is how the story went
I met someone by accident
it blew me away
and it was in the darkest of my days
when you took my sorrows and you took my pain
and buried them away
dropped you off at the train station
put a kiss on top of your head
watch you wave
then I went on home to my skyscrapers
neon lights and waiting papers
that I call home
I woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where i started
the morning rain
although i wish that you were here
that same old road that brought me home
is calling me home
I wish I could lay down beside you
when the day is done
and wake up to your face against the morning sun
but like everything I've ever known
you'll disappear one day
so I spend my whole life hiding my heart away

and I can spend my whole life hiding my heart away..

song

I don't know how to love him

What to do

How to move him

I have been changed

Yes, really changed

In these past few days when I've seen myself

I seem like someone else

Don't you think it's rather funny

I should be in this position

I'm the one who's always been

So calm, so cool, no lover's fool

Running every show

He scares me so

I never thought I'd come to this

What it's all about

Yes, if he says he loves me

I'll be lost, I'll be frightened

I couldn't call 

Just couldn't call

I turned my head

I backed away

I wouldn't want to know

He scares me so

Oooohhh

I want him so

I love him so.

But, because..

Because, I made Him a "Guy" and not a "Man"
Because, I felt His expanding "Equator"
Because, I made Him a member of the "Black Order"
Because, we had straight-n-simple conversations, in straight-n-simple language, with not so straight-n-simple meanings
Because, I didn't give Him the hat he asked for
Because, I asked His "signature" present for my birthday
Because, He tells me "Crazy"

and the most important of all--
Because of Everything and Nothing, I'm still, and always His "K"!

-xoxo

"my cup"

i got you in the palm of my hand
wanna put something hot in you

so hot that you can't stand (and you can't stand)

gonna take you to my lips
empty out every last drop
so thirsty for what's in you, baby
that i can't stop (that i can't stop)

in the middle of the night, i'm in bed alone
don't care if you are glass, paper, Styrofoam
when i need some water, baby, coffee or gin
you're the only thing, i wanna put them in

my cup, my cup
sayin' what's up to my cup, my cup
more of a friend than a silly pup, my cup
you know what it is
i'm sayin' what's up to my cup (ahh)
i'm sayin' what's up to my cup (ahh)
i'm sayin' what's up to my cup (ahh)

'suitable boy' talks

the wedding season is back.. and how!
and its more apparent if you are the sole one, yet to be hitched, among your dad's circle of buddies' first borns..moreover, it doesnt really help your case, if you are the first and also the only born..

#DrumRoll

and yes, that's yours truly!

and last evening was just one such time, when it came forth.. once more.. yet again..
she was of the opinion--im pretty sure, your father would definitely look for someone who is pretty much of a scholar in physics or likewise subject..!
which, as a matter of fact, i instantly and absolutely rubbished with disdain.. and to which i replied-- he would look for someone who knows how to talk..

and so will i.. i need a person who can talk.. who can live up to the kind of conversation between me and pops.. who can sustain the talks between the members of our clan.. and no.. we aint good and we aint sugar..

so, talk-the-talk is the motto..
satisfying which, we'll decide about walk-the-walk!

a sweet-ly indulging morning!

morning is supposed to be on the sweeter note.. as per the point of view of the breakfast, that is.. like, cereals, milk, fruits, OJ, toast, et al.. its all in the sweeter zone.. and this constitutes the breakfast for the majority.. of course there are the versions of poha, dosa, paratha, idli as well.. but as my folks say, im the angrez of the family!

so, coming back to the sweet form, i recently came across this cake recipe.. and nothing fancy there.. just a regular home baked style cake.. non fussy.. but what caught my eye was the sheer absence of BUTTER!!! yep.. and not to say anymore, i literally jumped on to that! because, i personally dun like butter.. so, a cake without butter is almost like a haven for me, inspite of the fact that i dun hav a sweet tooth!

so, spreading some early morning cheer.. do get your hand around this.. im sure, it will be worth all your efforts!

APPLE AND ALMOND CAKE

for the apple puree:

• 3 apples
• i tbsp lemon juice
• 2 tbsp castor  sugar

for the cake:

• 1 splash of vegetable oil to grease tin
• 8 medium eggs
• 325 grams ground almond
• 275 grams castor sugar
• 1 tbsp lemon juice
• 50 grams flaked almond

for decoration:

• 1 tsp icing sugar

method:

• peel, core and chop the apples roughly.. out them in a saucepan with lemon juice and sugar and bring the pan to a bubble over a medium heat.. cover the pan and cook over a low heat for about 10 minutes or until you can mash the apples to a rough puree with a wooden spoon or fork.. leave to cool..
• pre-heat the oven to gas mark 4/180 C.. oil a 25 cm spring foam tin with almond or vegetable oil and line the bottom with baking parchment..
• put the cooled puree in processor with the eggs, ground almond, castor sugar and 1 tbsp or a generous squeeze of lemon juice and blitz to a puree.. pour and scrape, with a rubber spatula for ease, into the prepared tin, sprinkle the flaked almonds on top and bake for 45 mins.. its worth checking after 35 minutes as ovens do vary and you might well find its cooked earlier--or indeed you may need to give a few minutes longer..
• put on a wire rack to cool slightly, then spring open.. this cake is best served slightly warm, though still good cold..
• as you bring it to the table, push a tsp of icing sugar through a fine sieve to give a light dusting..

and voila! your very own comfort food!

poila boishak

"shubho nabo barsho"

for those who matter, they know what it means..
for whom it matters, they know how to respond..

and for them, to whom i mean some more, they know how i am now.

and for everyone else, its just another day.. so, have a great one, anyway.

My Wedding Planner

My Wedding Planner

1. a certain loved 'She' for and with the Bangles.
2. Pops and I for the Shoes.
3. and the other Half's unending reserves to meet my insatiable urges and demands for literary "Treasure".

and, I'm sorted for my AfterLife!

:-D

"on my own"

on my own
pretending he is beside me
all alone
i walk with him 'til morning
without him, i feel his arms around me
and when i lose my way, i close my eyes and he has found me

in the rain
the pavement shines like silver
all the lights are misty in the river
in the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
and all i see is him and me forever and ever

and i know it's only in my mind
that i'm talking to myself and not to him
and although i know that he is blind
still i say there's a way for us

i love him
but when the night is over
he is gone
the river's just a river
without him, the world around me changes
the trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

i love him
but everyday i'm learning
all my life i've only been pretending
without me, his world will go on turning
the world is full of happiness that i've never known

i love him
i love him
i love him
but only on my own.

fuck'd blame!

statutory warning:
smoking of cigarette is harmful and injurious to health and also causes cancer..

unstatutory warning:
NOT smoking of cigarette is equally proven to be as harmful and injurious to health.. NOT smoking also causes cancer.. of the same f-ing damn organ!

so, i'll rather smoke and be responsible for my damned organ, rather than indulge in playing the blame game with the unknown identity of dubious existence.. i'd rather be proud than hopeless!