anonymous

i wish i was cold as stone

then i wouldn't feel a thing

i wish i didn't have this heart

then i wouldn't know of the sting of the pain

i could stand strong and still

watching you walk away

i wouldn't hurt like this

or feel so all alone

almost turned around in the corner

pulled over on the shoulder along the way

thought by now, i'd be fine

but all these tears are blurring every line

and i think back to when you were mine.

yeah, it's gonna take forever to get over you

oh and i don't think this pain's gonna go away

oh, scars left when it's said and done remain.

i wish i was cold as stone.

and if you ask me whats the worst kinda shit ever? i'll say muscle memory and repressed memory.. the former never goes away (sic)and the latter always keeps surging back at you.. and nothing can beat that shit! and i have started doubting when people say "time is the best healer".. they are all just simply fucking around with you, because they themselves don't know what to say, and they don't wanna be the bad guy..

and its the time like this, when you are confused about the feeling of "hurt" and "pain".. and it is now, when you really desire for the "tangible" pain.. to give the lingering intangible one a definite form, albeit just for a few minutes.. and believe it or not, its always in the form of a result of an activity, which is your salvation, or your escape from the mad vile world..

and if i thought taking the name would be easy, i was so wrong.. 'coz it fucked me up.. all the more..all these days of me being numb and trying to live myself by that, was foiled with just the utterance.. in fact, it was not even the utterance, per se..
i was so wrong.. and delusional..

******

randomly post midnight

for his each and every "i hate you"s, there was my "i love you"s.. and that was our midnight conversation..

narcissistic post

I want my cake and I want to eat it too
I want to have fun and be in love with you
I know I'm a mess with my long hair and my sun tan, short dress, bare feet
I don't care what they say about me, what they say about me

Because I know that it's L.O.V.E. ♥

Betty Botter's Butter

some things are never lost in time.. nor even down the memory lane.. they just stick with you.. irrespective of being remembered or reminisced in anytime recent or otherwise..
sitting idle, and well, was going through a web page on cupcakes by a quaint lil shoppe in the friendly neighbourhood, that Betty Botter suddenly surfaces..!

it was something passed down to me by my Mamma, ages ago.. and today, it just comes to me and without realising, im happily reciting "Betty Botter bought some butter" over and over!

so, morning smiles with a bit of butter, Betty Botter style :

Betty Botter bought some butter

but she said the butter's bitter

"if i put it in my batter

it'll make my batter bitter

but a bit of better butter

will make my batter better."

so she bought a bit of butter

better than her bitter batter

and she put it in her batter

and her batter was not bitter

so 'twas better Betty Botter

bought a bit of better butter!

p.s. the page on cupcakes that i was going through.. you might like it too.. ")
buttercup-- a cupcake shoppe

celebrating (almost)bankruptcy!

so, today i am almost rendered bankrupt courtesy my cheque being finally en-cashed by those super sadists..
and well, what do i do? i pay a visit to my haven and hey and voila! i'm the compulsive spendthrift!

blowing off some more of my green gandhis, apparently seems to be the only mood lifter.. and well, i am happy after this recent spending spree.. well, i'm so happy that i just have to put it down here!

and yes, on my day of official (almost) bankruptcy, i'm the proud owner of Narcopolis (isn't it obvious? i need my soul city, in any form, to get me out of my blues!) and The Immortals of Meluha (finally, and at long last!) from the (physical) Haven (on earth).. with the best part, the latter costing me nothing, courtesy the book reward points! *glee!*

the hard bound beauty!

and nothing like a book without having to shell any further green gandhis! finally the first of the triology in hand!

and no.. the spend-thrift part doesn't really stop here.. it extends to the virtual store as well.. with the second part in the afore mentioned triology and another book, because i promised Mr.Author that i'll do so, its two more in the waiting..

and i realise, that i might become that person, who has to sell off the furniture for the money to buy (more)books, and also for the space to keep those!

For you, Mr.Author.. :)

there was this distinctively palpable excitement in the air around me.. and so finally, it rests in peace.. Yes, THE book comes home.. well, not really "HOME" home, as it wasn't in stock in the physical store (erm, speaking of which, is this good news for you, Mr.Author? out-of-stock on the shelf?), when i finally did manage to end up in paying a visit to my otherwise Haven.. so, e-store was the way out! and thereby, a couple of days more, when it actually comes home!

so, there you go, Mr.Author, if you are reading this, or, if you ever happen to read this (courtesy Google, if it again decides to bring up my bullshit random roobishes in some "search" of yours)----

it finally features, albeit in transit right now, as i'd promised you, that it will! and, for all you know, i might even come around in reading that soon enough! maybe sooner, than later.. it will be a definite nice refresher from my Central Excise Act! to say the least!!

and yes.. goes without saying, that, i do "Hold It".. and very close too, because of a certain M (as you already know).. and more than "Once"!

Cheers! to you.. and to all your life's adventure(s)!

dream and its repercussions---telepathy(?)oh hell!

and they come and greet me again..
and they come and meet me again..
and only when i'd started to believe that i can pass them off as a distant memory..
of a time long gone by..
and they come again to drop down..
and they catch me in that moment..
overwhelming of its own..
so much so that i'm forced to resign..
once more and yet again..
to them and those frames..
of the memories and their essence..
and they come and greet me again..

damn! i miss you so, love!

it was Saturday, in her time.. it was already Sunday in my time, even though it was what the general people will classify as the unearthly hour of the day..

but we both were hooked to our commons.. oh yesh.. thats what it is now! commons.. and there she was, guiding me around.. just like a toddler is guided along by letting hold the finger-tip.. and strangely enough, she actually used to do that.. when i was a kid.. and even 5 years back.. taking my hand and guiding me along the mazes of the SaltLake city.. heehee.. all those walkathons just to make me aware of the various routes and shortcuts from hostel to dida-bari.. good memories.. :)

well, it was not the literal 'walking me around' bit in this case.. but, the effect and the essence was all the same.. "now you can do this with this, you dun even need that, you already have this, use this for this and not that, you have other things for that, this stuff in this is damn good, even way better than that...." and it continued.. from her end, and the listenings and the diligent acknowledgment from my side.. two hrs passed how i never realised until i was jabbed sharp by a piercing pain on the back of my neck.. yes, it happens if you are sitting in that position for three hrs straight, without an inch of movement in any way!

and so, i knew, that the conversation will never end..(oh no! we always have truck loads of stuffs to talk about! we just never seem to have enough time!) and the pain in the back of the neck was searing.. and so, it was a forced gnite for me..

and she knew..
"will you be really sleeping? lol"..

yes, she knows me that well!

old habits/memories

funny story..
or more like, funnily enough..
today's worth excitement actually teleported me to a space in time, actually four years ago.. to a place, which is miles away from the two people concerned here, today.. at this moment..

those used to be the days.. good days.. awesome days.. happy days.. when everyone smiled..
they used to grace the top surface.. they used to sit proudly atop the tables on the mats.. side by side.. at a perfect distance.. at a perfect angle.. in such a way that the light greeted them both in a manner flattering to each.. such was the compatibility..
one in royal aubergine and the other in shiny black..
making a statement..
wherever they sat..

and well, the respective 'people' too, managed some admiring looks!

so, today, even before all the excitement-worth-happenings actually unfolding, the other person involved in the 'story' above, knew all about it!

such is the compatibility.. even now.. even today.. even at this moment..

and yes.. we both know, the reason why certain things are perfect..(sic)

trivia :D

the following is something that is a result of being real idle and in no mood to go through the Central Excise Act--chapter on Valuation and Classification and the million Rules and Definitions contained in that!

and this is what i come across in a perfectly apt place.. courtesy a 'post' by my 'clone' (love you lady!) on the 'wall' of a certain illustrious human being in question..

presenting, *drum rolls*

Bong Tips

This is a guide to all men looking to marry/date a Bengali woman

1. please know that we are mostly independent and have a mind of our own.
2. we will mostly not be coy and shy  and bat our eyelashes and be a damsel in distress who needs to be rescued.. on the contrary, we will be the woman who wouldn't mind rescuing the guy once in a while..
3. we have always come from a family where a woman is considered of the same potential and calibre as a man.. and we have never seen discrimination based on our gender in our families..
4. no, we are not into BLACK MAGIC.. we just love wearing a lot of kajal...
5. we are unapologetic of being able to enjoy our lives by going out, dancing, partying and drinking.. that doesn't make us loose characters or wild women with no boundaries(this applies for all women in general)..
6. yes, we love our food.. be it fish, chicken, mutton, eggs or anything that's sweet.. we will mostly be physically on the healthier side and love our curves..
7. we don't mind admitting we have feelings or are emotional about someone and don't work on hints.. we will mostly say what we feel and expect the same from the opposite sex..
8. we are extremely traditional during the one time of the year--DURGA PUJA.. we will be excited and take leave to be with family and wear sarees with bindis and enjoy the Bengali food..
9. we HATE men who can't stand up for themselves or are insecure about a woman's growth in her career compared to their's..
10. we are beautiful, strong willed, respectful and have the capability to be modern career oriented, yet maintain a personal life at home

and i must say, this one nails it to the 'bull's eye'! *s-w-e-e-t!*

and, knowing a certain few, who, on the other hand, have 'known' me, i can borrow the luxury of writing down somethings in their interests.. and i'm sure that they will agree..

on further thoughts of which, i am tremendously and supremely tempted to tag my Shippie to this post.. tag him along with a link to this blabber of mine.. but i don't.. reason, he is off sailing.. another reason, he is off sailing somewhere really far, like other side of the world.. reason #3, he is off the luxury of having internet communication at leisure.. reason#4, it will still be another month and a half (on paper) at least, before he cuts to shore..*sigh!* and i have more reasons to follow, but i guess, i'll pass for the time being.. (in case, the shippie still manages to go through this, i'll be dead meat, the instant he cuts to shore :p)

so, anyway.. getting down to the 'business'... *evil laugh!*

#1--->check!
#2--->check!
#3--->check!

yep! holds true for me.. even though, im just a 'Born Bong'.. and everyone, who have had the(ir) glorious (mis)fortune of knowing me will vouch for that.. hands down.. *clean sweep!*

#4---> yes.. i dunno about the rest of the people, and i'm not even speaking for all the Bongs out there.. but Kajal, IS the quintessential requirement for me.. 

• Shrek will vouch for that.. that's one thing that he has openly confessed to like about me.. 
• my future 40's date, loves the fact that its only kajal for me..
• my folks make me swear by kajal because they ALL have to say that sans kajal, i look like an absconder from hospital or a jaundice/typhoid stricken person..
• and personally too, i LOVE wearing kajal.. and i have quite a few of them--in blacks--shimmery and otherwise, blue, greens, and looking to add on to them as well! ;)

#5--->absolutely.. i really dun care what people think when they come to know that im really fond of sticks and flow.. i enjoy them.. i relish them.. so, if anyone out there, reading this, does a turn around regarding their opinion on me--well, i dun give a rat's ass to that! and i HAVE a handful of people, who'll know.. :) (sailor included!)

#6--->now this is something which doesn't really agree with me! and i think, this is where, my being 'bong' is highly questionable.. and well, is questioned in equal measures, too..!

• my future 40's date,"why don't you eat?""how can you not be hungry?"
• Shrek, "tu kuch khati kyu nai hai?" with the more recent one, just a couple months back, "you've become waif like!"
• M, "khaya kar..".. with the recent being, "please K.. put on some weight.. please please please.."
• my clone, "you have to eat! dammit! i dun get clothes your size! i have to look for your stuffs in the Kid's section!"
• when asked Pops that why they dint check  me for security purpose while entering 'someplace', he says,"even they know that you cannot possibly carry anything in that body of yours! so, there's no need to check!"

and well, this list is in fact, never ending.. it will go on and on.. 

#7--->yes.. or in other words, its called being BLUNT, and ON-YOUR-FACE..! i do that.. have done that.. and well,m that's has not managed to go down well with Mamma.. Pops understood, though.. and so as to speak, i AM real brash in this manner.. and yes, i'm proud of it.. you think you cant handle that, well, suit yourself.. coz that's how (exactly) i'm gonna be!

#8---> oh yes!  so damn perfect! hods absolutely true for me!

• the shippie asked,"whats with you Bongs with white sarees and red bindis?" and this should answer you now! ;)
• a friend of mine,"why suddenly you in sarees in every pic of yours?"
• and everyone else in random and general, "wow! (gasps!) you look awesome!"  and i go, " yeah, i look different.. coz you haven't seen me in anything other than the jeans-tee.."

#9---> and some people round it off by calling us as feminists.. well, too bad then..! coz, we really dun give a damn! and yes, there's nothing worse that to be living with a 'spineless' git! and how do i know? well, experience speaks for itself.. in GOLD, and in BOLD (sic).. *courtesy: recent happenings)

#10---> :) doesn't really require to say anything else on this!

so, yes.. that pretty much rounds everything up..
and to all those, who matter, i know you'll be smiling when you go through this..
as for the Sailor, i guess, he gets the benefit of being away.. so, i'll spare him from reading this, and give him the answer verbally..

and for all those, who happen to share the same feelings, feel free to feel good about yourself!
*cheers!*

p.s. also, im a step ahead (read: udgraded) compared to my shippie.. techie dino is catching up! *heeehahahaha!*

#happy women's day!#

funny..
not the one to be associated with or as a compulsive shopper..
but always on the prompt with a never ending shopping list!

p.s. and just yesterday, Mamma was asking me in response to my question to pops as to what was he planning to give the both of us on the Day,--"are you a woman? seriously?" 

"i'm sorry"

I'm sorry i promised to not talk to you...

But i still did...

I'm sorry for all those stupid fights...I'm sorry for hurting you..
I'm sorry for not alwyz being there...
I'm sorry for not caring enough...
Or caring too
much that you get annoyed...

I'm sorry that i love hearing the sound of your
voice....

I'm sorry that i can't be perfect...
I'm sorry that you broke my heart...
I'm sorry that now ŵę lost what ŵę had...

And never seem to he happy with me anymore...

I'm sorry your always on my mind...
I'm sorry i always dream of you...
I'm sorry for always smiling because of you...

But
Most of all...
I'm sorry you had to end things...
I'm not sorry for falling in love with you...
But
I'm sorry for you falling out of love with me...
Because when i look back to this day...
Your gonna be the one say sorry that you left...
But now,

I'm sorry that you lost me. . . . .♥♥♥


--anonymous

returns

1. the hideous ring of the alarm returns.. one at 0600.. followed by 0610.. 0625.. and the most frantic one at 0640!
2. pops waking me up in the morning when even the hideous ring of the alarm fails.. yes, that happens.. regularly!
3. a mad dash to the bathroom with the brush and paste, before pops gets in there..
4. conflict with mamma, in case she is also up by that time (read: 0715), over masala news, a.k.a Ahmedabad Mirror..
5. half drunk mug of my early morning elixir (read : coffee, further read : black)
6. religious and unashamed asking for money.. (read : perks of being the daughter, and still a student, and completely vanquished savings from the once employed days)
7. the eager waits of that one Sunday, when the alarm doesn't go off, when pops doesn't wake me up at that hideous and unearthly hour of the day..
8. when a day off is utilised, or rather planned extensively for 'sweet sweet sleep'..
9. when its 'i-give-a-rat's-ass' kinda attitude and reaction to people who don't understand when being told that i'm busy..
10. the literal running after me by mamma carrying all sorts of food stuffs, to shove them all down my throat! and well, yeah! she's pretty darn good at that!
11. the long waits and equally diligent and wishful plans for meeting with a certain someone over loads of sticks and stuffs..
12. and counting it down to again that date of December! and hoping that it becomes, the be all and end all..

:)

"c'mon! go on a date with me.. this one date.."
"why? so that, i can wear make-up and act perfect all night?"
"yeah.. why not?"
"haha!"

two words/three words

two words..
well, j.k.rowling apparently created a saga of its own with harry potter.. and surprisingly, the entire series of seven books featuring seven years in hogwarts, emphasized on just those two words.. the be all and end all.. avada kedavra.. ummm, to the lesser known mortals who don't follow the series, its a distant relative of abracadabra.. but on a much deadlier level..

so, all it really took was two words to constitute and string together the seven long years and even longer years counting to centuries and even beyond, to create something called Harry Potter..

so, as it so appears, two words are enough to scare the shit out of even the greatest wizards!
well, im just an ordinary mortal.. a muggle.. not even a mudblood.. so, if "two words" could be enough for the wizard class, then what chance do i have against them?

and yes, im also done in by only "two words"..
them being--trust and promise..

yes.. these two words echo avada kedavra to me.. they sound death-like.. almost.. and, i'm petrified them.. even if they come from the safest corner of the safest and the most loved mouth..
enough to scare the damn shit out of me!

*those three words are said too much they are not enough----goes my ipod!*

identity

i have a friend..
who bears striking resemblance in the facial features, smile and smirk inclusive, with my (now estranged) newly wed friend's husband..

no..
the afore mentioned two people concerned don't know each other..
my (now estranged) newly wed friend's husband doesn't know me..
the afore mentioned two people concerned are mutually exclusive and independent..

but i see my friend's face photos..
and i can't help but smirk..

*smug!*

extrimist

*disclaimer : the views expressed here are entirely mine with no influence from anyone.. and with no intention to hurt anyone's sentiments, feelings or sentimental feelings (combined)even.. just exercising my freedom of expression*

food.. that's the basic need.. and well, there are in fact all the world differences in that very base.. this by-gone's Saturday's Times Of India Crest edition, carried an article that glorified blood in food.. to the extent that it was almost termed as a part of a delicacy.. and quite rightfully so, because the pictures definitely looked appetizing to the senses.. speaking for myself, just by looking at 'em pictures and not reading the article or the what-n-where abouts of the pictures, i was tempted.. definitely.. almost instantly made a list of the new foods that i have to try..

and i'm saying this just to bring to the forth that there exists a varied mix of people.. and so, there definitely exists an equally, if not more, varied mix of the food.. so, just because, something doesn't fall into your list of edibles or if i can put it this way, permissible edibles, it definitely doesn't earn you the right of condemning those..
and what sparked this chain of thought in me, is a post by an acquaintance of mine from school.. if a specific animal is a staple in someone's diet, then you have no right to say or even practice the thought that killing of that specific animal (for food) should be made punishable by law.. because, if you're trying to give me the crap about "the animal is a living creature and you're killing it, hurting it", then i have to say, that it gives me the full right to the equal crap about "plants are living beings as well.. so you are also killing them and hurting them".

all i am saying, is, its high time that you let go of your stupid hypocritical philosophy about life in general and start by having at least a nominal respect about everything around you, that doesn't concern you..

and as far as the animal in question is concerned, you deprive its offspring of its very birth-right!

food for thought, for you now, maybe?

graphite strikes!

in a bid to make my (failed and)first attempt at EDM a bit (more)view-able..

pearly dewdrops drop

"but you have to let go now."

i know..
i know that..
i just don't know how..
i don't know if i can..

it's funny.. but faking only works for so long.. what do you do when the nagging feeling returns?

attempt at EDM

i was going through Danny Gregory's stuffs.. browsing through his links.. admiring his sketches.. and the 'thinking' behind all of them..
EveryDayMatters..
apparently thats what had helped him to get by his personal life's disaster..

i was trying to follow that..
trying to really live that..
but, never could make even the graphite make connection to the paper..

until today.. thoroughly irritated by a stupid jerk of a 'neighbour' staying in the flat below.. you'll be astonished to know that a 12th grader can talk so much!

and well.. courtesy, the madness brought about by the irritation, here's what followed.. a very failed attempt at Danny Gregory's EDM..

p.s. well hopefully, i'll get down to a proper following of the motto and attempt at a better(looking) result the next time..