silence

he never asked.. nothing.. no sound.. not even a questioning glance.. he just looked at her.. a steady gaze.. like, he was trying to see something beyond the surface of her skin.. beyond the glistening in her eyes.. like they both were caught in a different space wherein the words dint exist, and everything freezes..
he looked at her.. in that same unassuming gaze.. he had his faith..
he adjusted his specs.. checked for his Blackberry.. fastened the seat belt.. and he was ready.. back upright.. and he sat.

****

last signal on the stretch of the road.. red light.. waiting.. on the line.. the first to move at the change..

(silence)

me : i want to zoom.

him : do you really have to?

me : yes.. its suffocating..

him : will zooming help?

me : yes..

him : will you be alright?

me : yes..

him : ok.. i'll just adjust my seat belt..

me : ok

(silence)

on the change, she zoomed.. past everything.. she was trying to go even past the very time wrapped around her.. she just wanted to go.. she felt nothing.. not even his presence next to her..

80..90..100..110..120

not a single drop escaped the glistening in her eye.

new(s)

ahan!
its that time of the year.. yet again..
wherein everything is new..
supposedly the weather is (as per the textbooks) approaching "spring".. so, new life on the planet..
spring also means, a new season even for the 'fashionistas'..  a new collection symbolising the season.. "spring-summer" :)
most of the region community having their respective new year(s) too, around this time of the year.. speaking of which, mine is still a month and a half to go!

and its again that time!
a new phase.. a new chapter in my life.. a new goal to achieve..
featuring, new topics, new books, new stationary, new people,  new levels of frustration, new found right to crib and cry, et al..

and of course, all this helps, when you still have the right of new clothes, new novels, new shoes! and well, mine is still in place.. and at a highly elevated place, that too..

:)

sudden burst of rhyming words!

oh! come stranger knocking my door
we dont know, and yet we know
a certain love is bred and shared
amidst our oft strange dreams myriad..

for You, Mr.S..one last time

Yes, Mr.S

Yes, You were always right and I was always wrong.. Do I find it funny, entertaining, enlightening  intelligent, or say, sad or otherwise that You were right and I was wrong? What do You think, Mr.S? Because You always knew what it meant to me.. No, oh no.. Not conceding this loss to You but the fact that I lost here.. Here, which I took to be my foreground, my forte of unalloyed joy, my world with the people in it..

Yes, Mr.S, You were right because what I thought to be mine was never mine, what I thought I deserved, I did not, or should I put it like this that what they got they never deserved.. And what is it that, that they did not deserve, Mr.S? Is it about the moments of sadness, the hand giving You comfort, or the moments of happiness, the same hand clapping for Your joy? What is it that which they deserve Mr.S?

No, Mr.S, I don't want to pretend any more of the happiness which isn't mine, of the friendship that was never mine, or that hum and lull of the same experience, of the tell tale promises and the lies behind, a bit of hypocrisy of theirs or mine, Mr.S? Am I sorry now when as You always said I have experienced everything? Have tried to win and lost nevertheless?

No. Mr.S, no.. I never expected things to be like this or that or whatever for that matter of fact.. But I didn't take this defeat as the everlasting defeat because I have faith and hope.. But hoping for this bliss again is very funny, because both You and I know that it is unattainable.. You learnt it through Your way and me with my way.. And it makes me sad, Mr.S, real sad that it had to be me..

Yes, Mr.S.. You were right from the very beginning..

Yours,
A.

a new list

and things to do!
and its a  new list today!!! *haq se* without having even a teeny weeny ounce of guilty feel! nah! i've earned it today! yeah! and how!

• so, first up is a few (read: a LOT) more additions to my 'library'..
• another 5-inch-er.. and this time, in black :)
• lil bit here and a lil bit there---of trinkets 
• somethings to wear will also be good *evil grin*
• not to forget, art workshop stuffs.. oh yeah! that's something i'm really looking up to!
• and maybe even, another window to my 'soul city'.. or anywhere else will also do..

:)

whoa there?! :)

destiny is something i don't believe in..
i like to believe in miracles.. or magical..
yes, i still believe that my world is a lift off from a fairy tale.. just a different from the conventional 'printed' versions.. but a fairy tale, nevertheless..

and for this reason, i'm not and will never brand today's meet as "destiny"..

4 years back.. 2009.. it was cold January morning.. the place was Kolkata (or, "Calcutta", as its always for me).. and the day was of Saraswati Pujo.. now if you are a Bong, only then will you be able to read into the detailed and implied implication of the mention of the day.. otherwise, well, it's no point even to try and explain, coz it's not of any point.. Saltlake.. dressed in something which was not the general jeans-tee.. both of us, that is.. and we met.. again a chance meeting.. in the middle of a street.. me going, and him, coming.. i saw him.. he knew it was me.. i took a few moments more to recognize and 'process' the face.. yes, needless to say, i'm really bad with faces.. and that was it then..

4 years later.. 2013.. a pleasant and lazy February afternoon.. the place is Ahmedabad (Gujjuland, as its always for me).. and the day doesn't hold any special significance, save for it being a Saturday and a weekend.. dressed in the usual code of jeans n tee.. both of us.. well, i might have been towards a lil bit 'dressy' side.. and we meet.. and "chance" will be an understatement here..

he saw me..
i looked at him..
and then i saw him..
i saw the bewilderment splashed across his face..
he forgot who he was with..
and well, even they were considerate enough to move aside and cut him some slack..
and same did my folks..
and we met.. and how..
a rugged boy..
a prim-n-propah girl!
happy..
amazed..
shocked..
mostly because of the place and the manner of out meeting..
"hi"
"hey"
and true to his style, before a "how are you", i get a "what are you doing here? i mean, why are you here? oh damn.. matlab, how are you?"
didn't even realise that his popcorns were almost on the verge of spilling over..
helping myself to those, i answered with a mouth full of popcorns, "i live here"
"you live in bombay.. i know you live in bombay.. you told me you live in bombay"
"you forgot.. i live here now.."
"damnit!! k.. give me your number.. oh *&%^#!! take my number.. **********.. yeah.. and give me a call.. call me.."

yeah.. that was the unexpected meet.. destiny.. at a place i never thought i will meet him.. even by chance..

so there you are.. welcome back A1.. a sudden rush of sweet memories.. and you couldn't have chosen any better time.. fosho..

certain first to the fore.. **13, you are a charmer!

#*whoa!*

hazaaron khwaishein aisi k har khwaish pe dum nikle..

yes
i dared to dream, a dream too many.

books books books-- bahbahluhbahlah-- books!

i generally dont know what makes me buy a certain book.. and to say that i love buying books would be a definite understatement.. i devour them..
and never before did i think of this.. i mean, i never really gave it a thorough thought process, as to when and which and how, regarding the buying of books..
this 'thinking' took roots a few weeks back.. and continuing since then.. i happened to receive a mail from Crossword notifying me about my Book Rewards Points and urging me to redeem those off, before they lapse.. so, i jumped to action.. and made a bee-line to my Haven.. and of course, a Sale is always a boon! and this is what kinda got me thinking in the first place, as to, what makes me buy a book..

umm, well, it may be the author.. coz, i believe i have a collector's mindset.. if i have a particular author, i need to have the entire collection of it.. so that, i can be the proud owner of the works.. and this thing is probably innate.. coz as far as i can remember, this first started with me being real diligent in completing my Adventures Of Tintin even before i could reach double digit in my 'years'.. and speaking of which, i realise now, that Tintin had nothing to do with the author.. it was the series, per se.. right, so maybe, if i own some in the series, i need to complete the entire series in my collection.. yeah.. that might be it.. at least that explains Adventures Of Tintin, Asterix..

going back to the 'author' string, that holds true for the rest of the books.. Paulo Coelho (though, i got so sick of it later on, that now, i dun even look at the name, and so, it doesnt bother me anymore that the 'collection' is incomplete), Aravind Adiga, Khaleed Hosseini, Enid Blyton (oh, the best memories of pre-teens), and many more.. the recent being Dan Brown.. and i thought that at least i have one author's works up-to-date.. but no.. he goes and releases one more! *agony!

my Japanese fixation continuing with Haruki Murakami.. and i dun even have half the books! coming back on the desi shores, Amitav Ghosh has caught my fancy.. and needless to say again, that i still have a long way to go..

so yeah, by this, its safe to judge that, i usually go by the 'author', when it comes to "collection" or even "buying"..

but, there's an exception to it.. a major exception..
before i go to the 'exception' part, i have to say, that i generally dun like 'romantic' novels.. especially those of the Indian authors.. somehow, i find it all like a rut.. same storyline, same way of writing.. bottomline, i dun like it.. and here comes the Exception..
"Hold Me Will You Once" has hit the shelves.. today.. speaking of which, this is another supposed 'love story' (pardon me if i sound or come across to be as cynical.. nothing against the author or the book.. me being cynical right now is entirely because of a completely personal reason) penned by Ashutosh Bose.. first novel.. and i know that i will buy this.. no, not because of the author.. i don't even know him.. and definitely not because of the 'novel'.. i probably wont even get around to read that for a good period of time.. my apathy towards love stories notwithstanding.. yet, i have never been so sure of buying a particular book as im in this case..

and that is solely because of one person.. one person, who is featured in the credits.. just a small mention, but a mention, nevertheless..

so, this book finds a place on my shelf, because M features in it.. i dunno, if at all i'll end up reading it, but its definitely gonna stay there.. and it makes me proud..

so much for the author! (chuckle!)

Jap(anese) trap

well, the off late fascinations of mine has everything to do with a small but no way insignificant island of the pacific.. and, though i have never had the good (or bad) fortune of personally making it to that place (as yet),  it still continues to mesmerize me in an everlasting kind of way..

and almost everything seem to be influencing me.. the 'food' {which is again nothing really different from our (read: bengali) food as far as the basics are concerned.. their staple being rice and fish.. same as ours.. the only difference i dun like bong food.. i dun like rice and fish.. but i like sushi.. and that's apparently enough for Mamma to throw her hands up in desperate exasperation and exclaim in utter flustered disgust,"oh! you are impossible!" and Pops to silently smirk and soak in all the fun from the sidelines and adding," funny, you like the raw fish and rice version of the food.."}, the paintings, the dolls {oh yesh, those have always been my favourites}, the Anime {i have a confession here.. i was never a fan of Pokemon.. but i realised, Anime is more than Pokemon.. Jack introduced me to this beautiful world on one fine afternoon, couple of years back, in his room when we were meeting after almost a decade}, and not to forget, nonetheless, the writings! and they sure are addictive.. they play with the very conscience and the psyche! and "intense" is probably one of the very least impressive word to describe them!

this is just a random prose i came across.. and it got me thinking..

"if you think about it, there is something odd about the movement of hands.. there is nothing quite so bewildering as human hands.. they move around endlessly all day long.. to make matters worse, the hand is divided into five fingers that twist and curl on their own, entirely separated from each other, continuing these odd movements.. but most people never bother to notice, and their hands just twitch and wind around completely detached from their thoughts.. they're not just odd, they're uncanny..

--realm of the dead, uchida hyakken"

roobish--part 4

you have to be more that what you are to get back what you had..
this is what i choose..
and this is how its going to be..


p.s. hopefully, this is going to be the last in the 'roobish' saga..
-A.

roobish--part 3

tried to mask it
but she caught me
hid it from the rest of the world
but couldn't from her
and its then i realise
my eyes are the giveaways
swollen from the previous night's
and deadly non reflective of the day's life
i could fool everyone else
but i couldn't fool her
even if i didn't tell her the story
she could just tell the jist of it
she never asked for the entire story
and i couldn't give it to her
but that couldn't stop me either
to break down in front of her
something i always wanted to save her from..

and all these times
there was just this one voice that
kept ringing in my ears
and i hate to say
that i failed you, M
coz i still ain't 'alright'
and i don't know how to take care..

roobish--part 2

"to love at all is to be vulnerable.. love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.. but in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change.. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.. the alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation.. the only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.."

--c.s.lewis

roobish--part 1

My parents warned me about the drugs in baggies sold on the streets.. but never the ones with teeth and a heartbeat..

I think I'm at that point, where I've liked You for so long that it's just an automatic response for me.. I don't know if I really still do.. but whenever someone says Your name, my heart races.. but I have a feeling that's just the way it's going to be for a while.. I know I need to move on, and I will, but it'll take some time.. I'm not strong enough to suddenly move away from the one amazing person that's been on my mind forever..


p.s. this is "roobish--part 1" might be followed up with more parts of random roobishes.. statutory advice in good spirit is to AVOID reading..

sincerely,
A.

of Barney Stinson and 'summer dresses'

of late, i have been pretty much on the 'hung-over' state of being on a typical English sitcom.. its currently running the 8th lap.. what was initially supposed to be the last one.. but somehow change of minds/plans of the 'creative head(s)' of the concerned, and so, present day status says that its the penultimate lap.. so, yeah.. something is gonna be the 'constant' in the face of 'change is the only constant'.. #bleh!

so, anyhow, getting back to what i'd started with..
#"of Barney Stinson and summer dresses"#

so, no, neither gets any prize for getting the 'theme' correct, now that i've already disclosed the central character..
Barney Stinson hates winter.. because of the added layers of clothing . not on him though.. but on the opposite gender(s).. and so, the best time of the year for him, Spring.. 'coz, "that's when the summer dresses come out"..

well, there ain't a Barney Stinson with me.. and it ain't NY, where i stay.. and "spring" exists only as 'definition' in the textbooks..
but yeah.. the idea sure concurs and coincides..
coz its that time, where the track pants and the tights and the leggings give way to the shorts and the boy-shorts.. enough for my perennial critic to exclaim, "oh! you look tall.. leggy lass.. long legs in the shorts.."

#allegory

that time of the year

its that time of the year when i would have loved not to have fought with p.a., if i would have had my way..
its that time of the year when i would have loved to go out for chai when he wanted a dinner, resulting in neither..
its that time of the year when i would have had my Shippie over a Cuppa and a Stick, had he been on land..
its that time of the year when i realise all the bygones and remember the happy moments..
its that time of the year, again..

its that time of the year when i owe everything to that one person, who put a smile on my face today.. #Shaily

and its that time of the year, which reinstates the faith in me, that some things are best waited upon..'coz all they really need, is a grand grand entry.!

yes, its that time of the year..
again!

serious wantings!

• the silent house
• the rainmaker
• sputnik sweetheart
• istanbul
• red
• the black book
• on the road
• the dharma bums
• midnight's children
• crime and punishment
• les miserables
• river of smoke
• the hungry tide
• circle of reason
• dancing in cambodia, at large in burma
• love in the time of cholera
• everyday matters
• the creative license
• an illustrated life
• an illustrated journey

and it actually goes one..

and i want all of these!!!! ALL of' 'EM!!!!!

*sigh! i should have dated the heir of a 'book/novel' millionaire!

conversations.. and all that (follows)

"naah.. don't worry.. you are not my type.."
"smart?"
shrugs
"single.."

*****

"well, even James Bond is blonde.."
"taking the '#DumbBlonde' to a new level, are we?"
smirks

*****

occlumency

'occlumency'--i dunno if this term even does exist in the oxford/merriam-webster dictionary.. naaah! im way to lazy to lift my ass up and bear the trouble of going over to my cupboard in the other room, just to check this--i learnt this term courtesy 'Harry Potter : The Order Of The Phoenix'.. (so, people are kindly advised to refer to the above said book for any further look-ups about this term, per se)

it means, 'blocking of the mind'.. occlumency..

anyway.. i realised that its no point in lying around or sitting around with a sad face or going about the daily life with a frustrating demeanor . yes, agreed, that the last 3 weeks have not been any easy.. neither were they anywhere close to be 'happy'.. if at all, they were dark, gloomy, horrifying, terrifying, morbid and all other adjectives belonging to the same family.. and well, i had to deal with them all.. aint no option, otherwise.. to really speak of it.. and putting on a strong exterior for the sake of the people around me, kinda drained me off.. well, it still is.. draining me off, that is.. so, speaking of which, i had my moments wherein i faltered.. wherein i gave in to the gloom.. wherein i also yearned for my p.a..'s presence.. ended up doing something i never thought of doing in actual reality even in my dreams..and all said and done, i did eventually come around to the fact that, this thing is gonna stay for a definite sometime now.. and i better get back in dealing with it.. 'coz i have to.. and since there's not an option here, and i have to do it sooner or later or eventually, i chose 'sooner'.. coz, its been enough late, anyway..

and diverting the mind doesnt work here.. yes, its that grave and that bad.. the mind refuses to even budge from it to anywhere else.. so here comes the 'occlumency' part..

cooking for own self--right from the  cutting-to-washing-to-chopping-to-soaking-to-ultimately putting it all in a pressure cooker-to-adding the spices-to-finally lighting up the gas--is probably the most pleasure giving chore, ever! and yes, it gave me the much needed 'breather'.. it made me to stop 'thinking'.. and i was eventually 'forced' to put all my mind into the rhythmic motion of the knife on the chopping board.. and to pay extra attention to my freshly painted-red nails! nothing extravagant.. a simple meal for just myself.. at the end of which, i realised that i ended up with 'paradise' on my lips and the entire time when i was engaged in the activity, i was not 'thinking'.. 'occlumency'.. thats how it came back to me..

i know, fully well, that this too shall pass.. and up until it happens, it's gonna be a hell of a harrowing time for me.. and i have to live through it.. all of it.. and i can't be the cribbing.. and i know, at least one thing that will help me catch a breather.. even when i don't get to have the luxury of p.a.


sigh! if only Harry Potter knew about this simple thing.. he could have been spared the trouble of putting up with Snape for those daily lessons!

reminiscence

Chest to chest
Nose to nose
Palm to palm
We were always just that close
Wrist to wrist
Toe to toe
Lips that felt just like the inside of a rose
So, how come when I reach out my finger
It feels like more than distance between us

Eye to eye
Cheek to cheek
Side by side
You were sleeping next to me
Arm in arm
Dusk to dawn
With the curtains drawn
And a little last night on these sheets
So, how come when I reach out my fingers
It seems like more than distance between us
Just when I felt like giving up on us
You turned around and gave me one last touch
That made everything feel better
And even then my eyes got wetter
So confused wanna ask you if you love me
But I don't wanna seem so weak
In this California king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
I've been California wishing on these stars
For your heart for me
My California king..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhBorPm6JjQ

when i got married....well, almost!

a couple of months back (umm, it may even be a little more than 'couple', per se, but, just as a figure of speech, that is) it was all about the 'diamond ring'.. one fine Sunday morning, when all the three of us were idling about with the respective cuppas, Mamma comes up with something that went like,"let's buy you a ring.. since you so love, and since among your cousins, you the only one who doesn't have one yet, i guess, its time you also should have one.." *b-a-m!* i didn't know what hit me.. i felt, what followed was a pin drop silence, at least for a good couple of minutes.. and strangely enough, even Pops came with his trademark signature laced non-nonchalance affirmative.. *b-a-m: part 2!* and i knew, call it instincts, that they are waiting (eagerly) for my response.. and i knew, this is the chance that i have, and i better latch on to it.. i said, "no.. its not required now..", thinking that this reply would be enough to end the conversation there.. mistaken i was.. gravely.. Mamma followed it up with a string of supposedly aimed at convincing me 'talks'.. Pops followed suit with a little bit of 'practicality' infused stuffs.. but all directed at making me buy the ring.. i decided, i have to give them my answer then, the one i never really thought that i would be required to give.. "there's a reason why i don't want it.. i already have a ring.. fine its not a 'diamond' one, but it still is a favourite ring.. and you only got it for me, three years back.. and i wear it everyday.. and i love it.. and, i wear only on the ring finger.. one is already occupied, leaves me with only one more.. and if i wear two blings, everyday, it'll be a complete blingy me.. which i don't want.. and moreover, i need a reason to wear the diamond ring.. a reason good enough, to put it on forever.. so, it will be only one diamond ring for me.. and it has to be from the someone special.. irrespective of how big or small it is.. that's why i don't want one now.." pin drop silence, part-2.. this time on Mamma's side.. Pops smiles.. and agrees.. appreciates.. respects my thoughts and my feelings.. Mamma rests the case.. *phew*

and if i thought that was enough to last me for at least a couple of years, i was proven wrong, again.. this time, i cant even respond to it with any solid argumentative views either.. Mamma dreams of my wedding! with the wedding finery and even the guests, in tow! and, i seriously am caught speechless.. and this is something, where i don't want Freud.. colorful it may be, with all the detailed 'dreamy' illustrations..

so, 'diamond ring' followed by a 'dream wedding'.. i dunno, what else is any more illustrious..