"Mediary Thought"

It's as if I'm not there

Filled with hope and then despair

An adequate state of know-not-what

A blank___ a slash/ a dash- a dot.

I lie as if I am awake

And walk with dreams I can't partake

I tarry forth back to and fro

Not knowing whence I came from, or where to go.

I slowly slip into the mist

Question things I can't resist

Scribbling lines upon the fog

Conversations with no dialogue.

This limbo is my winter estate

A solemn entrance to natures gate

I'm waiting for this mist to rise

To drift along with no surprise.

Deriving life from other things

Soaking up what nature brings

And in that mediary thought

I catch a glimpse of all that's naught.

Tonight I sat under the moon

It's getting fuller all too soon

But it was nice to simply rest

And imbibe all that's truly blessed.

These days have been my saving grace

Journeying through life at a steady pace

Planting ideas like little seeds

Hoping someday to eat the fruits of these deeds.

I'm off now to return

To my dreams where I shall learn

Of places been and lives forgot

Lessons learned and soul songs taught.

source : The Correspondence of Harper and Madeleine

"life's little pleasures" ^_^

1. the scrumptious residue left on your fingers after eating Doritos or Cheetos products.
2. completing a form on the internet without missing a required field, on the first attempt..
3. the smell of rain..
4. months with three paydays.. those who get paid bi-weekly know what i'm talking about, three cheques in a month is always splendid..
5. lying in bed with freshly washed sheets..
6. getting cut-off by an overanxious driver, then pulling up right next to them moments later at a red light..
7. having an exact change to pay for something..
8. sticking that leg out from underneath the blanket and feeling just right..
9. happy hour at bars and restaurants..
10. movie previews full of trailers you have never seen..
11. removing all of the shell of a boiled egg in one try..
12. the moments the credits hit when someone forced you to watch a boring movie for the past hour and a half..
13. dancing in the car and reciting entire songs, making noises to recreate instrument solos..
14. that first intense body stretch after waking up..
15. funnel cakes and churros..
16. making babies and little kids laugh..
17. correctly choosing the quickest check-out line at the grocery store or the fastest moving lane on the road..
18. the smell of bacon.. the taste of bacon.. not to beat a dead pig but everything about bacon..
19. getting wrapped snugly in blankets when its freezing cold..
20. spontaneous adventures.. plans are good, spur of the moment is better..
21. waking up, checking the clock and seeing that you have plenty of sleep time left..
22. laughing at something so hard that you cry.. or laughing so hard that no noise comes out.. if one of these two things happen, you are having a ball..
23. driving over little hills in the car and getting the mini roller coaster feeling..
24. having someone exiting the bathroom directly in front of you, so you don't have to touch the unsanitary door handle..
25. talking in a fake accent, e.g., "ello luff = hello love"
26. clocking out of work when you are off for the weekend..
27. when plans you din't want to attend get cancelled..
28. finding money you didn't know you had in your pocket..
29. the anticipation and hype on days before a big vacation or trip somewhere..
30. finishing a chap-stick..
31. night time drives..
32. catching a song you enjoy on the radio, right as it starts..
33. putting in two-weeks notice at a job you hate..
34. finally lying in bed after an exhausting day..
35. waking up, feeling extremely thirsty, and having water nearby to quench it..
36. getting home so late that the sun is coming up..
37. landing the gas pump on the precise amount you wanted.. not 10 cents over, but directly on it..
38. the additional french-fries at the bottom of the bag..
39. the other side of the pillow..
40. the relief of taking your bra off after a long day of wearing it..
41. the relief of taking your shoes and socks off, after a long day of wearing them..
42. opening presents.. the gift doesn't necessarily have to be amazing if you have wrapped it, bearing that tearing off the paper in anticipation is 75% of the pleasure..
43. the bond shared by two people over a mutual disdain for another individual..
44. the smell of gasoline..
45. the various bottles of booze and beer left in your refrigerator after hosting a party..
46. making a witty comment that draws a lot of laughs and even surprises you..
47. asking a question on Google and seeing it finish your words, meaning there are others out there wondering the same thing as you..
48. doing something for hours and then returning to a phone full of text messages and missed calls..
49. late night/early morning conversations with good friends..
50. and having a partner in crime to have shared all the above with!!!

a new wall

i want the change of address to happen soon..
i need the change of address to happen fast.. yes.. i need it.. and i need it fast..

there's a significant pile of lead-on-paper coming up  in my shelves.. it just so happens, that the occurrence of the event of lead-on-paper also increases in frequency during the whereabouts of the 'tests'.. and fortunately/unfortunately and irrespective of my incessant cribbing about the same, they seem to go on at a regularly uniform pace, if not with increased frequency.. and so, resulting in a significant rise in the pile of lead-on-paper.. and a proportionate decrease in the unleaded paper..

i need the change of address only because that will be giving me my own wall.. completely and entirely at my disposal.. to adorn it with my scribblers.. and name it the Scribbling Wall..

and it doesn't stop here.. there's still a love door to construe and a lot of random love wall sections to be done.. and of course, on the choice of colors..

so all i'm saying here is--

i NEED the change of address pretty darn soon.. and who would have thought, walls can make such a significance.. well, except probably for the prisoners..

anthem

i do not grant my love without reason, nor to any chance passer-by who may wish to claim it..
i honour men with my love..
but honour is a thing to be earned...

'sweet' love

i'm never a food person.. well, i was never a food person to begin with in the first place.. so, me and food don't get to feature together.. and if it ever does, it's probably accompanied by the booze.. yeah! and so they know.. those who matter..

so, the fact that i'm putting down a food post is definitely a first..  a food post wherein i'm not the chef.. a food post wherein i'm in fact gushing about, or, about to do so--the gushing about part--the "food"!

and it all starts with the humble sandwich.. trivia, the 'sandwich', the humble foot-long sandwich has been glorified in a glorious manner by Ted, Lily, Marshal in HIMYM! you'll know what i'm talking about if you follow HIMYM.. for rest of you who don't, well, i'm sorry.. you'll miss out on the innuendo..

this one, is not the glorified version.. nope.. it is still the humble and austere sandwich.. gooey with all the sauces dripping through it.. making the wrapping paper super soggy.. you can't eat it without having a sauce beard around your lips.. and its fundamentally essential that you lick your fingers with every bite, of you intend to keep your super awesome phone and satchel grease-free..

yes, i know.. this one looks nothing like the description above.. regarding the messy part.. because, this was taken before the final wrap! i managed to 'bribe' the fellow behind the counter to cross the line and go to the other side, just to take this picture.. yeah, perks of being a girl, you tell me that!

and voila! its all worth everything! my super awesome sandwich!

and no.. my food din't just stop at this.. after all, if you have the favourite company, sweetness becomes all the more mandatory.. and sweet it was.. in spite of the fact that i'm not a dessert person.. never been for that matter.. but, i dig for yogurt.. and a frozen yogurt spells sweet paradise for me.. girls, after  all.. i'm sure, you get the point, don't you?

sweet, bright, colourful, crunch, creamy, tangy---you just name it.. and it was all there! the best part, it was valued by the weight of it and not the flavour!!!! and we simply dug in! after all, we had cream-n-cookies, mango, orange and blueberry with chocolate chips, chocolate stick, almonds, canned blueberry, canned mango slivers along with those transparent pinkish and yellowish balls--i don't know what they were, but they were awesome-- to keep ourselves and out mouth super busy and engaged for the next half hour.. 

and we polished them both! almost licked the cups! and the best part, unlike conventional ice-creams, these don't turn liquid!

and thus i wrap my food extravaganza..

well, a girl's got to eat, after all.. ain't she?

Dilli---for the "love"

four years back,
i had a reason big enough for me to pack my bags for Delhi..
i had a reason big enough to declare that i have to go to Delhi without bothering for permission from my old folks...
i had a reason big enough to put up a fight for that against them..
i had a reason big enough to make them bend to my reason..
i had a reason big enough to make them eventually concede to my reason..
i had a reason big enough to hold my ground and not falter, come what may..
i had a reason big enough to eventually end up in Delhi..
i had a reason big enough to live that reason...
*love*

four years later, present day,
i'm given a reason big enough for me to pack my bags for a trip to Delhi..
i'm given a reason big enough to not even bother for permission,'coz its anyway granted..
i'm given a reason big enough that doesn't require any fights/arguments/faltering of principles..
i'm given a reason big enough to relive and reclaim the joy and heart..

ye dilli hai mere yaar..bas ishq mohabbat pyar..

"the words of an Addict"

addiction.. a word that can have a varied connotations.. a word which i chose to to give a very convenient connotation -- that of 'habits'.. and this convenience is largely attributable to my otherwise highly depleting vocabulary combined with the epitome of laziness that i tend to hit, more often than not, to even move my ass to the shelf where my prized Merriam-Webster sits proud and shuffle its pages in the search for the above mentioned point of interest.. which happens to be, again, Addiction!

and in fact, this word has got a kind of a magical ring to it.. and NO.. im NOT hinting at any puns (sic)! coz that in itself will take me along in an entirely different lead *chuckle!, which, i will lay off for the moment..

so coming back to it.
unfortunately, save the 'addict' in question, people around the said addict are always on the look out of getting rid of the addict's addiction.. "for your own good", that's what they always say.. and i was no different either..

you'd say that all this is probably the 'withdrawal' notions doing the rounds.. i'd say no.. its not that.. there's a whole lot of real estate of feelings and emotions between the-time-you're-deprived-of-the-addiction and the-time-when-the-withdrawal-urges-come-to-play.. so believe me, i'm actually talking about that vast space in between..

for me, it feels as if i'm suddenly stripped.. of everything.. i might even be as well stripped off my clothes, 'coz that's probably the closest i can get in terms of articulating the exact feel of it (again, this is wholly attributable to my above mentioned and highlighted cause of amplified laziness.. my Merriam-Webster still sitting proud)..

and i feel, as if everything has lost its very purpose..

so the bottom line i need to have a companion in the form of a bookmark sticking out of the pages of a 4-inch thick book, somewhere from in between of the pages, always in front of my eyes.. constantly.. and that. is the most calming effect that i have ever known in my whole life.. to know that i still have more than half of it to devour all by myself.. to know that, i can always slip down to that awesome world among those pages and shut myself out from any and everybody else.. to know that i'm always "home".. and that, is precisely when the withdrawal surges in..

as for me, my hectic schedule, courtesy damned studies, doesn't allow me to dwell uninterruptedly in the comforts of those.. it  makes me super grumpy and i crib incessantly.. just like a chain smoker who is trapped in a 'no-smoking' building.. so, even when i am going nuts and haywire with the externals, the very sight of the bookmark sticking out from the corner of the book calms me down.. its like, coming home to the love! and call me crazy, but i'm quite happy to lose a few hours of the precious sleep over a little time with my beloved.. just like the way the smoker feels with the first long drag after the forced abstinence..

so, what made me come out with this now?
well, just the fact that yesterday evening, i was done with the one that i had for company, inspite and amidst my insanely crazy schedule of otherwise, and as soon as i shut it close, i was engulfed and overwhelmed with the feeling of being stripped.. as if i'm stark naked!

and then i realised.. that is, till the withdrawals made its way through..
and, the voyage among the real estate of feelings and emotions, are saved for some other time.. :)

yes then..
i'm an addict..
a very proud one..
and, for my credit, i have given a real hard time to some people on account of my addiction..
people have tried to get rid of mine..

but then again.. its for a reason they say this.. once an addict.. always an addict..

:)

because i'm selfish

i do a very bad and sloppy work of "goodbyes".. i tend to make a heavy weather of it.. generally speaking, that is.. and so, it should be safe to say that i am not very good with those.. in fact, i suck at them!

and so, i try not to get myself attached to things.. coz eventually, i'll have to bid them goodbye much against my wishes.. and i am guessing, that can be a plausible explanation to my otherwise walls around me(walls-- as certain people have pointed out in the past, and some caring people still make time and effort to point that out to me even now)..

i know that it strikes as real surprising to you, coz for someone accustomed with changing schools, shifting places and resettling into varied homes, goodbyes were supposed to be equally acquainted with, if not any more..

i wish i could say, i don't do goodbyes..
i wish that was an option to be put up on the resume so that people would know where to draw the line and stop..

because, i never equated changing schools and shifting places with goodbyes..

goodbyes are more vicious than that.. they scare me.. enough to put me down..
and so, i don't like goodbyes.. never liked goodbyes..

and so the anger right now..
because that's inevitable..
because, there's a painful one lurking at the corner for me..

and i'll be forced to say goodbye..
and i'll be forced to smile.

(i'll probably miss you more than you can ever think.. more than i can even possibly let you to think.. i'll miss you coz you were the one i had when i had no one..)

"yes"

the world drives itself for and on approval.. come to think of it, everything strives for the approval..
and it holds no different and skewed for me either..

approval from those who matter to me.. approval from them who are significant.. approval from them who are of particularly immense significance.. and mind you, all of them are overlapping.. intersection function, if you want it that way.. and definitely not mutually exclusive in any form or manner..

so, it ranges over a myriad of things.. after all its a big universe.. even for a minuscule Lilliput like myself.. my universe too, spans no less.. so  when i used to be the toddler, the approvals were more regarding "can i go?" "can i watch tv?" "can i go down to play?" "can i stay at her place?" "can we go and eat chinese for dinner?" "can i have my birthday cake from TakeOff?" "will you buy me this Tintin?" "can we go and watch a movie in the theatre?" "can i watch the match today?" "can i not study today?" and the likes of those.. and during the span of time till the 'answer' was dished out to me, i would stare beseechingly at her, and hoping wishfully for a "yes".. approval.. though i wasn't lucky always.. but it was enough for me to realise the true worth of approvals..
the toddler stage gave way to the most confusing stage of 'in-between'.. well yeah, that's what i refer to it as.. the rest of the civilized world knows it by the name "adolescence".. the approvals stood their ground, as it is.. what differed was the things for which they were sought.. "can i wear this?" "can i cut my hair?" "can we go out?" and at times, it used to be the indirect ones, but the approvals were sought nevertheless.. "i'll be staying back after school today.. i have the labs to do..(is it ok? you arent gonna be mad right?)"

and then, away from the home, it was approvals of different kinds.. to a certain extent, from different people(s)/person(s).. suddenly, the friends became the yardstick.. the question regarding which the approvals were sought remained more or less the same.. what to wear? where to go? what to say? how to say? how to look? what to do? how to do? what sometimes changed the person from whom it was sought.. sometimes, in the latter stages of my life, the friends gave way to the boyfriend..sometimes oscillating.. but there.. the very need to seek the approval.. either by him or by them.. approval by them was ranked higher because, primarily, even he had to be approved by them!(sic)..

and now, where i stand, its not such a real big deal.. like what to wear, and how to wear.. but somehow approvals still matter to me.. the only difference, the matter seeking approvals have changed..

its a real heavenly feel, if the person you approve of also approves of you.. and thus you form something very special.. and more often than not, i have seen, the 'mom' doesn't really make a smooth descent in this.. it usually takes the form of 'coercing over a span of time'.. but not for me.. 'coz for me, it happened when i wasn't even looking for it..

and for once, maybe,  even without my asking for it, she approves of the one(s) who is the most close to me.. and yes, its the sweetest feel in the whole wide vile world.. and it turns out, that the 'mom' here is more fond of the person(s) concerned than even me! than she has ever been of any other!(and yes, that's enough to make me jealous..)

p.s. it just shows, how right you are.. and of course, you've proven this to me, time and again, that you do a better job of knowing me, than even myself! Mr.P.B.. and that's why after all these years, you're still the special one for me..

fond memories..with the most 'fond of' :)

we did some things that we knew not to do
in the glow of the night's golden hue

when we walk, we agreed
that we will not speak of this night to anyone that we both knew
then you said:
'everytime we kissed, i felt something that couldn't exist'
and i confessed that i thought i felt it too

i got a tattered line of string,
and i tied round everything
that i want to call my own
but it never seems to hold
never seems to hold.

he knows me.. so well.. :)

she told him that i love diamonds..
she gave him a detailed and illustrated description about my love for the same..
and he couldn't help but smug at that knowledge..

he knows me so well..
and it was at that moment too, when she realised that, as well..
and so, she smiled too..

Fool's (un)'PARADISE'!

and yes, we know that THEY are a bloody bunch of bull-shitting people.. yet we are incessantly persistent in having a "relationship" with the very same people..

so tell me, who is the FOOL here?


#DisgustedBeingAMemberByDefaultOfTheFool'sClan