*signing it off*

for,
a solid One,--- when we started, being at "anywhere", searching for "my immortal".. when we told each other to have a little "patience" and that it will all fall through.. and when we met, i'd hoped that you had the "time of your life"..

a doubtful Two,--- when you moved away, it was like a "carnival of rust".. n i felt "dumb".. when we met again, i raised the "white flag".. and when we fell apart, my heart was "rolling in the deep".. coz, "you're still the one"..

a steadily gaining back grounds Three--- getting back, rewinding and reliving.. confessions of the "stupid mistake" and long-awaited moments crowned with the "kiss goodnight" and subsequently establishing "i'm yours"..



for all those countless squabbles, quarrels, fights and silences

moon gazings, soft whisperings

endless talkings over sweet nothings

for those long drives sans destinations

with the tag of 'L' and a few more

the never ending 'aapdaar' 

the special reference to that 'one' song 

and the singing along to it

even making it as the 'official' too

for those nights of complete crass

and the amazingly accustomed and intertwined lives

complementing

sustaining

still living..

quite a journey this!

three candles lit.. and three candles blown..

*ok happy budday*

****

p.s. this comes a lil before than the finish mark.. just a reminder that somethings are inevitable in some ways after all..
signing off.

when the bad guy comes a-calling!

aah!!! the never ending drama.. good and bad..

and funnily enough its always in pairs.. everywhere.. in movies, and even in real life stories..
in that very personal and precious story of life too..

the relativity of the good and the bad differs, though.. and that is respective to each's discretion..

and in this case, this might even hover around the edges of being outrageous.. and needless to say, this also happens to be that very common real life incident, that involves a concerned pair (yours truly being the one in the pair), the intermittently weaved and interchanging persona with the portrayal of good and bad and of course, that very (the)precious part of life, which almost became "the" life at certain points in time..

it started with all being good.. exceedingly good, even, at times.. and it seemed perfectly imperfect.. good-n-good.. sounds good, right? but, it cant always be good, anyhow.. so, the bad descended, took its time for that though..almost a couple of years of good later, to be really precise.. made its presence felt, eventually.. and that was the time, when everything seemed hopelessly bad.. such good was the bad then.. and the funny part here being, yours truly never even thought that the bad is any one particular being.. yours truly, was always of the opinion that it was that non-living omnipresent 'conditional situation' and/or 'transitional condition' that was being bad.. so, after the initial getting-used-to phase (which, in fact, sucked pathetically)yours truly made peace with the bad.. and even started to think about the 'good'ness in the bad of it.. and it was then, when the interchanging of the persona in the portrayal of the bad took place.. and yours truly was left speechless and stumped.. caught off-guard.. that self-confessing act of being the bad guy around, being the one responsible for making yours truly to believe the 'conditional situation' being the bad 'guy', and the confession of being stupid enough to, be doing that and had done that, changed everything for yours truly.. to the extent, that the belief in something, that was thought by yours truly to be almost non-existent till then, became realistic enough to be even tangible.. and it was like, 'bad guy? who?' and good taking over.. the going back in time together and recounting the goods, laughing over the (pseudo)bads, things seemed perfect.. with just the right amount of bad ingrained.. like, the normal squabbles, the period that went without conversing, and stuffs.. and it was all "happy".. something that felt lasting.. satisfying too, in a sort..

but, well, gravity pulls, the wheel rolls and the cycle turns.. and this time, this is a conscious realisation  on yours truly's part.. because, she might have to be the bad guy after-all, and pull the plug.. put on the stopper on the three years' worth..

and this would be the worst of the 'bad guy' that she'll ever be.. as it involves yours truly to kill the three years' worth of incomparable and immeasurable 'good's..

and, yes.. even thinking about it, is like dying..
so, maybe, the 'bad guy' might win, after-all.. 

untold

she could never tell him how she felt..she just wished him to know.. she hoped for him to know the way she felt--somehow..

he knew her feelings.. he knew the way she felt..anyhow.

the last night

she just wanted a final night with him..

one night.. for her many (lonesome) nights (to come)..
so,
if she has a good night, then she can think about that 'final night' and drift off with a smile of content..
if she has a horrible night, then she can at least have the memory of the 'final night' to sail her through the night..
if she can't sleep, she can revisit the moments of the 'final night' rather than counting sheep and sobbing to bed..
if she is scared, then she can have the comforts and shelter of the many words and feels of the 'final night' to latch on..


that's all she wished for..
a 'final night' with him..
final night before she bows down to the beckoning of her new embarkations..

peace..love..(????)

it was the time when she thought and believed that she was happily settled with herself.. her life, her 'personal' life, that is, to be precise..

she had almost everything going for her.. the way she would have liked.. the way she thought it was possible only in the Utopian world.. where no one was required to know anything more than what was required, which, as a matter of fact, they knew invariably.. so, no unnecessarily obtrusive questions by surrounding 'well-wishers'.. peace, of some sorts.. where no one was much bothered about the declaration of anything..
where, everyone had accepted her being as it was.. and that was the norm of her being.. at least that appeared to be as the one..

she, too believed along the same lines for herself.. there was no excessive baggage of 'compromises'.. there were no constraints, either.. there was no uncertainty too, coz, she lived with the present.. "they" lived and believed in the present.. and in that "present" land, everything was just upto the way they had always wanted.. and yes, they were happy..

but for that day, when the sudden bleak thought of a certain possibility of a 'long distance' clouded her self, and she found herself to be thoroughly terrified and shaken.. when she felt the wet troughs along her face, and couldn't help but sob herself to bed..

and she realised, that it was just all too far along serious.. way far along serious..

and she felt weak..
*sob*

advertising own entirely personal(life) and private matter in a public forum and in a comprehensive commercial manner(SIC)..
nauseating..

subsequent spamming of your account courtesy the infinite requests for its 'encouragement'(SIC)..
disgusting..

and they still have the audacity to say--,"that's our personal life.. we don't want to comment on that."
pathetic..

bloody bunch of hypocritical a***s**es!
period. 

no offense--but true

an era of all sorts came to an end.. not an abrupt end.. this was probably long arrived years ago.. yes, i'm talking about the late Balasaheb Thackrey.. the end probably was reached the day when he started operating from the sidelines.. but, yesterday, it was the complete end.. sidelines, forefront, et al.. the final rest, as a sort..

i, for once, am an outsider.. that is to say, i do not belong from the land of 'marathi manoos'.. as, i'm not a born-bred 'marathi manoos' nor do i hail from any lineage of the same.. but, nevertheless, i do associate myself completely with the present city and life of Mumbai, erstwhile Bombay.. that is, the cosmopolitan of it.. where, you are not stamped/labelled as 'marathi manoos' but you are a proud Mumbai-ite/Bombay-ite.. and yet, i choose, to speak out on that person, who was such a staunch supporter of anything and everything of austere 'marathi' origin and an equally, if not more,as strong and violently (sic) opposed to anything and everything that is/are not of 'marathi' origin, even anywhere remotely nearby close to it.. and these are true words, like it or not..

because, i belong to that generation and time in space, where my memory will forever be etched with only the vandalism and the hooliganism as portrayed by the shiv sena sainiks.. and so, when yesterday the news finally flashed over all the news channels--'the tiger roars no more'--i was probably one of those negligent few number of people, who were "happy".. for just one reason--there will be no more atrociousness over modern-views of living, oft labelled as the (so-called)'pollutants of the heritage'..

but all said and done, there was a definite amount of respect, that even amidst all this feeling of hatred and disgust, could find its way towards the person.. so, people feeling devastated and shocked and broken and orphaned, makes all the sense in the world.. and, all the more, 'coz they were all his disciples.. so, paying homage/respect to the departed soul, great or not, obviously deserves to be done..

but, common sense speaking here, and assuming the concept of 'after-life' holds true, even the person departed would love for a peaceful and 'civilized manner of 'giving the final respects'.. and my disgust for the said followers became more profound after yesterday's demonstration of their 'paying respect' (sic).. with the shopkeepers running for cover with pulling down the shutters on their business as soon as the news came out, running for their dear old life.. with the transportation going for a toss--the one thing which the city got the 'outsiders' to boast and pride on--it WAS a mayhem and chaos.. and led by whom? unfortunately the very same 'followers' and 'disciples'..
again, the common sense speaking here, i'm pretty sure, no one, including the said departed soul and his kin and clan members, would have loved the paying of final respects to take the shape of such chaos and mayhem, where people were actually seen "worried" for their lives--not because of their leader had died, but entirely because of the outrage as violently demonstrated by the "disciples"..

so, "great" he may had been.. but to me, and to all those 'commoner' like me, the respect for him will always be shrouded in the veils of the disgust, that is wholly and entirely because of the doings of those hooligans, which, unfortunately left a telling mark on my mind..

may his soul rest in peace(sic)..

these are a few of my favourite things

happy times ahoy-----!

• getting to know that the answers to the quiz that i once took, were all correct.. *yayyie*

• finding that dream piece of garment that fits me without any need for alteration anywhere! *sigh!*

• me and my black ♥, going without destination, for miles and hours..

• calling up an old and dear friend from school and talking about nothing and yet clocking hours on the phone..

• window shopping with mamma, when you have all the time in the afternoon to kill and nothing to buy..

• when the hidden desires for some special specific days happen to be fulfilled..

and my most special and the favourite of all being--

• him, with his tongue sticking out from the corner of the mouth and asking,"free kab hai?" *:-p*

nose-y!

and the best of the guys dun hav the best of the nose.. its always 'crooked'.. somewhere.. its barely noticeable at times.. but, there, nevertheless..

observation..

wierd..

true..

so, go figure the equation now..  ;) *wink!*


p.s. the person concerned here, has been duly notified about the fact that how much i love his nose ;):P

certain people

certain people matter to me..
certain people are special to me.. in a "special" sorta special..
certain people are precious..
certain moments spent with those above mentioned respective special people are priceless..

and my respective blog posts, bear a testimony of that..
irrespective of the respective people's 'formal/official/legal' addressing, its evident to all those who matter..
people who make me what i am..

-xoxo

trust

i often wonder..

• does "trust" come with "time"? 

or it is the other way round (maybe)?

• does "time" happen because of the "trust"?

do you learn to put our trust in someone, only after you have spent a considerable amount of a 'lot-of-time' "together" and "with each other", both in tangible and intangible manner, that "trust" comes just like a "to be implied" step? like a course of nature? like, something happening out of "habitual customs"?

what is it, really?

i have been troubled a lot by this small little five-letter word beyond any measurable limits, off-late.. and the main reason being, of-course the 'betrayal' and the "breaking".. ("false pretense"--a song aptly put)

and it also involves "time".. and thus the conflict between "trust" and "time".. 

taking the first case, believing for the sake of it, lets say--trust comes with time..

if that's so, then by now, after so much of a "time"--all inclusive of spending a 'lot-of-time' "together" and "with each other", both in tangible and intangible manner--"trust" should be the inevitable.. that is, there should be no question of it.. like submissive nature.. after all, close to three years.. and three years a pretty long time.. going by the present day time-frame..

considering the alternative, that, "time" happens because of the "trust"..

on the face of it, it actually appears to be more logical.. look at it this way--only after you trust being with the other, you will spend a 'lot-of-time' "together" and "with each other" both in tangible and intangible manner.. so, you need to put on the trust first, and then "time" will build on, on its own.. like the course of nature.. free-flowing(?) three years..(?)

and i'm still equally, if not any less and/or  more, troubled by it.. and this ain't no "chicken-egg" question..

but, all these 'can't-be-helped' types wondering made me realise something very true.. 

at this point in "time" of my life, i think, i know where my heart lies and whom does it beat for.. and so maybe, i can afford to choose to look beyond this conflict for this one instance..

i have been in it for sometime now.. and that 'sometime' qualifies to be a "long time".. and given anything, i want it to sustain.. and to make it sustain itself, i have to make it stronger than what it already is, with all our efforts and doings.. so, from my side, i have to put my trust in it.. blindly.. with the belief that this will hold.. not giving a rat's ass to the "time".. and "trust" till it is shattered to shards due to some third party/ foreign body external source.. because, if i don't do that, i can very well be qualifying as the culprit.. and i wont be able to hold myself answerable even to myself.. and i very sure don't want that...

so, "trust" it is from my side.. complete and blind.. till its forcibly denied..

coz the "time" till now, has been a blissful gift.. loved and cherished.. and relived each day..

*love*
p.s. counting it down to the day till i blow out the 'three' :)
p.p.s **love**

**###########**

AND THAT'S EASIER SAID THAN DONE.PERIOD.

A few "Mamma-Shocker" pointers!

1. Dating Tips (in "details")
2. "Oh! This is the Orange one.. What happened to that Bright Red one? Where is it? Don't you put that on? Been long...." -------------> Talking about "Nailpolish"!
3. "I wonder how he will react looking at you now! I'm sure he'll fall off.. His heart will fail!"----------> Talking about His reaction when i was "dressed up"!
4. Sudden singing out in "Mamma-Voice-Renditions" of "Sheila...Sheila ki jawani"!
5. Dancing "Gangnam Style".. and of course, in sync!

and going over these a second time through while putting them down, shocked me once again to even think straight further.. and so, abandoning the 'pointers' till then next time around.. ;)

just that 'other' kind of a day *♫ ♪*

to say that i had been going full crazy and racking my brains to find the word 'contagious', which was definitely not made easy at all in any way with my Mr.L coming up with the most horrifyingly soul stirring "digged up roads" (it still gives me the creeps and the shudders), would be to say the least..

but, inspite of it all, it was one of the rare day, when i was happy.. austerely happy.. plain happy.. period.

i have my huge pile of books stacked up.. i have my long list of stuffs to be read and re-read for the day.. i have my egg-jams banging..i hav to make time for my "bug", else, that too gets pissed off..  but yet.. inspite of it all, im in a real cheerful mood today (including tonight!)

i dont care if its a 'surge' right now.. like an unusual high burst of energy (read: perkiness) before the madness sets in.. because, even if it is, its worth.. worth of all the 'secrets'.. ;)

*happy*

♫ ♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫ ♪