(guilt/load)sortings.

sometimes you are supposed to tell people.. supposed to tell not because you owe them.. but because that is the only way of doing.. telling people.. not out of obligation.. but out of the sheer fact that there is no other way out than telling people..
just that moment for me.. i have been at fault.. a defaulter.. and yes, i will have many people jumping on me like bloodhounds this very moment.. and yes again, i will have a couple of people jumping on them to save me from those bloodhounds.. thats how it works.. thats how the people work.. and thats where the supposed to tell people part comes..
the people involved here, arent too many.. but the tellings to be told are pretty much indefinite.. too long a list to actually make a concrete one.. and too long a list to even abridge it, justly..

****

this one for a certain ms.j

i dun call you by that name.. i have in fact almost never called you by that name.. but that still remains the official initials of your name.. and so, i decide to persist with it here.. you know you will always be my 'what i always call you by/as'..

you have known it from the very beginning of it.. and you have known it in all the minutest details of it.. intricately.. exclusively.. a rightful wingman.. so you know it all..

and i cant lie.

sometimes i feel maybe this wait has tested me way too enough.. and way too long.. maybe i dont have it in me anymore to see through the most waited upon 'third'.. it feels wierd.. i feel wierd.. and i dont know why.. i know i could tell you all of this.. the only thing stopping now is your new found life, though i know you will never object me to it.. and maybe the moment of it now.. 

im sorry, coz i know im being very lame here.. but im sorry coz i know no other way as of now.. except for one--that you should know.. and that i am supposed to tell you..

****

this one is for a very special and certain m

you should have been the first one in the list of telling to people.. and yes i owed it to you.. and you had the legitimate right to know.. from when it started.. how it started.. and where it reached.. everything.. and i have always kept you away from it.. knowingly.. deliberately.. teased you with it.. played around.. but never gave you the facts.. and im sorry..

coz, how much so ever that i want you to know, i can never bring it all together to tell you everything.. i dunno and i never knew.. what stopped me then and why im still hesitating.. you know me the way no one else does.. yet, this one thing which is the most precious to me, i have kept it away from you.. and i know, i cant tell you sorry enough for that..

i dunno why i feel i have to tell you now.. yes.. all that you guessed were true.. a certain 'we' involved, reached base-**.. almost touched base-***..  and there were initiations from the 'other'.. and there were confessions..

more than once.. 

more than one time..

****

dark and twisty.. within.. well yes.. pretty much there.