:) "song" :(

there is one sad part in every relationship.. and that sad part is further saddened by the fact that it involves another love of and/or for the same.. i'm talking of "the" song.. believe it or not, there exists (unfailingly) in every relationship a song, which is (always) classified and categorised and (re)-christened as "our song".. which is *******.. it relates to an involuntary action where the memory unconsciously and automatically jogs back to those "time" back in time..

and i say it is the sad part, because, there (also) does exist certain time, when you can do much much much better without them popping and flashing before you..

and its the sad part, because, neither can you do without the song, nor do you want those scenes passing by..

and the saddest part, yo can let go of neither.

A waltz for a night

Let me sing you a waltz 
Out of nowhere, out of my thoughts 
Let me sing you a waltz 
About this one night stand 

You were for me that night 
Everything I always dreamt of in life 
But now you're gone 
You are far gone 
All the way to your island of rain 

It was for you just a one night thing 
But you were much more to me 
Just so you know 

I hear rumors about you 
About all the bad things you do 
But when we were together alone 
You didn't seem like a player at all 

I don't care what they say 
I know what you meant for me that day 
I just wanted another try 
I just wanted another night 
Even if it doesn't seem quite right 
You meant for me much more 
Than anyone I've met before 

One single night with you little *
Is worth a thousand with anybody 

I have no bitterness, my sweet 
I'll never forget this one night thing 
Even tomorrow, another arms 
My heart will stay yours until I die.

the distance

for all that it was, i will still like to believe that there exists a "for all that it is" even now..
'coz this wait is not unknown to me..
yet it spells unfamiliarity..
there were no promises made
but there was this silent trust
there still is--or so, that's probably what i'll like to believe, and thus hold on to..
it's this complete silence that nerves me..
that breaks my stance of being unnerved each time..
i won't lie that that wasn't mad and that it's alright..
i still am, maybe even now..
but this stoic silence for my madness
that ain't a fair deal, You see..
call me stubborn, 'coz that's what i am..
'coz unlike You, i'm not blessed with another side..
and so i follow Your silence..
and wait stubbornly for Your first call for truce..
and just so that You know,
this stubbornness ends at that..
'coz i'm ready to pounce upon Your first drop..
and boy, don't You know,
how much i yearn for your "waddup" even now?
it's been five days, and still i wait..
with each passing day, the hold tightens..
afraid to let go of the hope..
and scared to let the tears roll..

so please, come back to me..
and that's all i ask of thee..

just another day of not-so-random randomness

it's been another day and another night.. 

dunno what i'm hinting at
neither do i know where i'm heading for..
all i know is i'm moving..
and i dunno of the rights and the wrongs of it..
'coz, the restraints are anyway met with the giving ins..
and the giving ins are never (till as of now) being regretted ..
a sweet smile and a sweet taste..
and that's all that i have of it..
the best or the worst, i'll never know..
but maybe, its something i'll allow to grow..
anticipating it to blossom?
maybe not.. and i dare not..
but, will watch it grow.. each day..
cross new heights..
every passing moment..
'coz grow it will.. even if it doesn't learn to bloom..

and this ain't a leap of faith..
nor it is any pull of tide..
this is the washing ashore..
of dreams infinite..

him and You

and this is what i call wierd..
and this is one kinda surprise which i dont like..
though maybe on the surface it apparently manages to put up a wry smile..
but somewhere deep inside, it wrecks me up, to no bounds..

and it all had to happen yesterday night..
when technically its already another day..
past the worldly hour of the midnight..
it first took its seeds in that deep hallows of the twilight..

i had my last words of the night with him..
a routine, which has been..
and an average of three hours it seems..
is what the norm is for the time being..

way past the midnight, after i shut up all my knocking doors..
i took to that movie, and for some reasons, ended up thinking about him..
i might have even missed him..
and strangely enough, it wasnt long before i realised i was actually wishing for him to be here..

i went to sleep missing him in my head..
try as i might, i was unable to rid him off my mind..
and so he stayed there..
disturbing in his own undisturbed state..
with all his words from the night before echoing back in my ears..

i fall off in my slumber..
and before i know, i was in another world..
a world i have known..
only in definite number of times..

and there were You..
with all Your laughs and gallant chivalry..
with that slant smile that sweeps me off..
everytime You face me..
Your arms around my waist..
'coz thats only how You know it..
walking with matching steps..
on ground and on all levels..
never a moment where We let go..
forever staying in that hold..
Yours in mine, and mine around You..

i dont remember anything after that..
apart from the fact that i wake up..
and its not long before i realise..
that something was bugging me from deep inside..
the routine talks and the consequent abrupt "missings" i can understand..
but the strange dream to follow immediaetly, is what puzzles me..
add to that, the fact that I'm being mad at You..
and holding on desperately to my decision of not 'talking' to You..

it seems to me as if..
the dream was just Your way of emphasizing Your place in me..
something maybe You felt cornered by..

and this is precisely what i call as weird..
'coz, before i could even realise..
i see that i have  almost written quite a blabber..
about something which otherwise could just have been brushed aside..
non-chalantly..
but its the him and You..
which will never make me push this into the realms of non-chalance..
i probably, can afford..
not to give a damn about him..
but in no way can i even think..
of not giving even a rat's ass to You..
and everything that concerns You..
even if its beyond Your awareness..

because, for all that it has been then..
and for all that it is now..
i can never ignore the stupid miss and the elated skip..
with every mention whatsoever and howsoever...
of You..

because, maybe..
even with Your unknowing..
You do have Your place in me..
for which, even in the dream..
You felt the need to dig deep..

and maybe.. just maybe..
this goes on to ascertain the fact..
i may never be whole again..
'coz there's a part of me
which can never be "just me"..

so, looking at everything, and considering (or following, maybe) a particular tradition a.k.a. folklore a.k.a. myth a.k.a. whatever you wish to label it as,
from this moment on, even if i start with it, i am still left with a relative decent cushion of time on my side.. and not to say, time is on my side too.. :-P

just a pity, that the tradition a.k.a. folklore a.k.a. myth a.k.a. whatever-you-wish-to-label-it-as is far far far far and really far.. so, its here, where the concept and the idea of "ever shrinking world" holds utmost importance and significance..

so, enough of roobishing around and getting back to what i had originally begun with..

and talking about the "time" and the "time" being on my side, taking all due consideration of the above said  folklore (and yes yes, i wont go into the details all over again,) counting from today, i still have four years to do, what till now, i have been vehemently explicit in disclosing my refusal.. to the extent of even branding me as the orthodox and old-fashioned dame.. ;)

so, four years, for The One.. four years till The One! *wink!*

300.. and 66! :P

and the Devil in me surfaces yet again.. and how! and damned-fuck-shit-awesome!!!! i'm so bloody darn proud to flaunt it off!!!!!

after all, you can try to ignore my horns.. you can even overlook my tail.. you can very well refuse outright to even consider them worthy of your esteemed thought(s).. but you really cant escape them! at all!!!! *devil grin!*

and today is the day when it has its first signs.. *hell yeah!* and yes, i can proudly profess my love for Lucifer! and to top it all, moonless night.. almost starless too.. and still air.. yes, Lucifer, we are in tandem..♥ after all, its today when 66 features.. after a long long wait.. and tonight, it will be special :)

'coz, its a new begining.. from 66.. 

Date(s)

yup! "date" it is.. and funny, how it holds that omnipresent importance..
we cant do without it, neither can we go a day without thinking about it.. and im talking in all the forms and variants of it..

and, no real big different on my case too.. my life is to a certain extent ruled by "dates".. those random and not-so-apparently random red encircling on my custom-made hand drawn calenders, the occassional blue ones, the greying pencil ones, and the infinite odd scribblings here and there.. even the most important piece of information would, in highest probability, be scribbled in some corner in a real oblique manner.. and i bow down (with a sweeping gesture) to the person, who can derive that piece of scribbler and classify it as the most important! yeah, its "dates" all over..

the "last" date, the "starting" date, the "birthday" date, the "assignment submission date", the "i met **"  date, the "movie @ hh:mm" date, the "get up early and start jogging" date, the "returning it to the library" date, the "long night drive" date, the "shots" date, the "hangout" date, and it goes on..

talking about the conventional dates, some of them have a universal appeal to all.. the 1st of January, for example.. and well, now that we are talking about the "conventional dates", even i have the same conventions.. every year, irrespective of the place and state (both the geographical and the phycial+psychological) that i happen to be, the dates like 1.1, 25.12, 31.12, 14.11-- are always eagerly awaited and anticipated for.. and then there are the others.. which, i guess, may have much more importance in my life.. than any other "dates"..

a certain 27.1--the day it all started.. and yes, that is special for me.. coz since that fateful 27.1, i look forward to all the 27.1.. and yes, i celebrate..
the Devil's date (6.6)--and yes, the reasons are again special..
a certain 23.6--the day, which will, from now on, have a "shared" special celebration..
the 31.10--the "date" which served as my lock password, until sometime back.. the "date" i will always remember as the best and the worst returns..
a certain random 17.11--the date which gave me my "sweetest november"..
and an epic 5.12--the "date" which still demands reminders to be set.. the "date" which still holds the supreme place.. the "date" which can never be written off.. the "date", which is fondly exchanged.. even now.. even after everything..

the dates.. and looks like, a girl can never have enough of the "dates".. no different in my case too! nice to have one girl streak on full monty.. *wink!*

Three words' worth

"....I don't know why I wasted so much time pretending I didn't care.. I guess, I just didn't want to feel like this.. It hurts.. But I love You, and I'm totally and completely in love with You, and I don't care if You think it's too late.. I'm telling You anyway...."

***

".....and I thought there was no secret between us.."

***

"..and that's what love is.. Everything else is a distraction."

***

Those three words.. Are said too much.. They're not enough.

****

dee-tee-yo bo-yee-shak--rerun

same time, exactly a year back, i had "dee-tee-yo bo-yee-shak", posted in all happy and jubilant mood.. and no, its not the same happy and jubilant me, on exactly the same day, exactly a year later.. though everything else remains the same (ceteris paribus), the mood varies.. and its somber, that is, to say the least in the most polite way..

when the clock ticked passed the 12 of the midnight, i was in my usual routine.. but, the usualness in the routine was missing.. first signs.. which i chose to brush off..
and what always used to be a free-flowing uninhibited conversation, was appearing to be strained.. tensed.. taut..the wierd setting of minds and heart, when each (of the individual in the pair involved in the conversation mentioned above) tries his/her level best to repulsively shoo away the other, yet, secretly desiring and desperately wishing with all his/her heart, that the other will do all that it takes to hold him/her back and not give in to his/her level best tries of repulsive shooing away.. and thats what i meant by "the usualness in the routine was missing"..coz, this, is never the routine..

the clock continued ticking.. though the above mentioned conversation was put to an abrupt end.. by a forcefull "gn tc sd".. the conversation(s) didnt end there though.. i moved on to another one.. again, one on the routine.. and well, it went as per the routine.. (*sigh!*)

and a parallel conversation found its way.. which was out of the routine.. a loved person, nevertheless.. a darling, even, to a certain extent.. and so began the loved drunk blabber.. with the "darling" being drunk, but still continuing in that conscious state, where you are still pretty and very much aware of the surroundings, and also fiercely aware of what you are saying and to whom you are saying.. but that state of being, when you can no longer contain your heart and mind's restraints that was put up there for all those times.. and then greeted with a trivia, which i dun think i like.. in fact, it qualifies as one of those things, i dun really like to know about.. because, it shakes and shatters my belief into th very existence of something which i put equivalent to "trust" and "faith".. (this has nothing to do with the drunk blabber nor does it concern the darling in context)

and sadly though, once again, i feel the cracks appearing on my faith and trust.. something i was building up so very carefully and cautiously.. and once again, the glue job starts..

and so, as i come to the end of it, (which technically is the beginning of the "day")i realise that i'm left, more than ever, hoping and wishing desperately, for my belief to hold on.. for sometime more.. till, i reach the end of the "sometime"..so that, when i reach there, i can stretch it on a lil further.. and i know, all i ever need, is just that thin sliver of "faith"..

"ki pheegaar" :P

mamma bole, aami naaki khaina.. aami naaki aage khetam (?) aar ekhon aami apparently na kheye thaki.. and this revelation has transpired from her following observation---
according to her, "tumi aage shokale coffee'r sathe at least khakhra khete.. (khakhra is considered "food") ajkal shetao khao na.. shokale uthe shudhu coffee r creamcracker.. aar tarpor shei dupure duto rooti khaowa.. bikeleo kichu khash na.. ar shei tarpor raate.. shekhaneo addhek din khide thake na.. (well, honestly that's not my fault! that's a complete biological phenomenon,, and i certainly dun have any part to play on that and neither do i have any control of it) toh literally shara din naa kheye thakish.."

and i have absolutely no comments on it!
because,on one hand if i have this, then on the other hand, i'm always greeted with "kuch satvik khaya kar" from p.a. ♥

"car"-nama :D

And just another night of just plain roobishes
gliding over nothing significant
but all of the significantly insignificance
of all the gentle teasing and fond longing
and the aptly hid (and masked) great sigh of relief
of being the 'bacha' and the 'saabji'
and ofcourse the gradual giving way to the 'madamji'
but then best was kept for the 'driver' and the 'passenger'
yes, it was a night of just simply roobishes
of unsaid words, and all said feel.

♥

onno keo kano noe?

onno keo hole, i could have got away with---"kajol thik kore lagai ni hoeto" or "chul oily hoe aache, toh emni kore bedhechi, oijonno"..

but that was not to be..
because it was not "onno keo"..
it happened to be you..
it had to be you..

**

told him not to look into her eyes..  because they can never lie.. even when masked with heavy linings of kajal..
and he did just that.. the first thing he looked was only at her eyes.. and he knew what lay beneath her smile..

**

and even before you could utter, i heard----"who am i really kidding?"

**

and all he ever said was----"who are you kidding, boss?"

'Left' fixation

well, yes.. i do have a Left fixation.. ;)
since the early school days.. i used to be fascinated by people who were "lefty".. i even tried being one of them, even if partly.. i tried practicing holding the lame pencil and then later, a pen, in my left hand and write with it.. not much of a great success at that, i tell you..
but all it did, was to strengthen my fascination.. for me, they were no less than a bunch of magical people,, different beings.. with a special enchantment.. maybe even leprechauns in disguise..

the left fascination continued to be passed on to the left part.. of the country--yes.. *love*
and of the body as well.. a small star, a string of trinkets, ink (maybe)---always on the left..

yes, i certainly do have a Left Fixation..