"mei bhi yahaan, har roz har baat me, sunti ho tumko.."

she missed his presence.. his lingering presence.. even in his omnipresence..something as if he was screaming "who's got my back", and yet she wasnt able to find him..
she missed his sight..
his sound..
his sighs..
his smiles..
his winks..
his jibes..
his "pulls".. 
his talks..
his "brags"..
his ego..
his "falls".. 
his laughs..
his jokes..
his facts..
his arguments.. 
his plain disgusts..
his "tea"..
his "songs"..
his talks..
his subtle leans..
his quick stares..
his walks..
his waves..
his hi5's..

she missed his PRESENCE.. she missed his EXISTENCE.. she missed his "BEING THERE".. she missed HIM.

words.....that'll never see the sun

For all that you know and all that you've seen,
Till to this day, now, and through all those by-gone years,
For all those doubts and their due benefits,
With which you press all your claims to be,
For all those wordly thoughts and wisdom acquired,
That you so rightfully leave for others to desire,
You probably will never know one thing though,
How-so-ever hard you think and frown your brow,
And what i tell you is nothing of a wordly possession,
And it might even be just my fantasy figmentation,
For i still cant ignore its presence,
Even if for you, it might make no sense,
The golden word that it is,
"I'll be missing you" is what my "heart" speaks,
Loud enough for just me to hear,
And so will always, let you be in peace.


p.s.: every moment spent with you, every moment of just being with you, holds special significance..and each and every precious actions-reactions-interactions is in that special place called ..........!

something else to blame?

i cant explain the way i behave
coz thats something i believe is innate
but a question crops that is difficult to evade
is it really innate or something else to blame?
for every actions has its reactions
all complete with the views, the opinions and all the contradictions
and yet, unpleasant as they may be
its always the contradictions that feed the discussions
often leading up to disagreements
tending towards arguments
and thereby making a heavy weather for the "journey to the end"
coz what follows is sheer confusion
as the initial point of discussion has long been forgotten
and with so much of views and opinions
im never too far from another "discussion"
and it starts all over again
is it really innate or something else to blame?

lie

Lie n : falsehood, fib, fabrication, made up story, falsity, made-up story, invention, piece of fiction, fiction, falsification, dissimulating, prevarication, departure from the truth.

Lie v : tell a lie, tell an untruth, tell a falsehood, prejure oneself, fib, tell a white lie, fabricate, invent/make up a story, falsify, dissemble, dissimulate, prevaricate, depart form the truth.

lies. not truths. antonyms.

Lying n : untruthfulness, fabrication, fibbing, perjury, white lies, falseness, falsity, dishonesty, mendacity, lack of veracity, deciet, guile, double-dealing.

why do people lie?
when they dont want to tell the truth.
when they dont want someone to know the truth. to know what is true.

Lying adj : untruthful, fabricating, false, dishonest, mendacious, deceitful, double-dealing, two-faced.

people lie. when they are afraid. afraid of the outcomes of telling the truth.
when they are afraid of someone  being judgemental towards themselves. afraid of someone's reactions, which might hold all the potential for being hostile.

but why tell something to a stranger, and then let the stranger find out that it was a lie?

the end.

yes. this day was destined to come. i ought to have been prepared for it. but i never thought it would be such an abrupt end. a real sudden break to an otherwise smooth flow. a solid constriction, in such a manner that it blocked its flow perpetually.

i dint want it to end like this. i would have definitely expected a more upfront format of it. considering the amount of civilised factors and proportions that constitute its being.

so, i reckon, its best if i take it as the END. maybe, it was supposed to come only this far. maybe, it was for the good. and i hope all the good for **.

lessons in puzzle

"when you are officially seeing someone, and it is serious and more than just 'friends', it is mutually understood and accepted for a fact that you'll not go out on a date with any other guy/girl, other than the one you are in a relation with. and in that case, it can also be put together in a very crude term as 'courtship'. and from then onwards, the levels dun matter."

it makes sense. all definite sense. but i never know, even till this date, about the "status" of it that has been continuing for the past year and a half, that had defied all the set norms. and today, i even wonder, will it even last the one and half year mark? or have i tested it way too far with all the unpleasantness, that now it has finally withered away?
 "serious relationship"--i dunno abt it.. but it was definitely not within the realms of "courtship", of that im pretty much sure.. but this is also true that never once, did the very thought of "going out on a date with someone else" occur to me. and i think i can safely say the same for the person concerned too.. inspite of not being at the same place, we still were with each other..in each others daily lives' mundane activities..never knew of any other way..of living.. coz, that had become a part of life.. a normal and default activity of life.. and for such an abrupt disruption to the "normal" life, well, that sure is bound to generate some unpleasant awkwardness..

but considering that it was neither of what is described and stated above.. just a mere exchange of pleasantries that somehow managed to persist for so long.. that somehow managed to defy all the logic and reasonings.. just plain normal catching up between friends.. so, if that is the case, then it leaves me with the freedon of "dating" or rather going out on coffe dates, lunch, movies or just like that dates with someone else too.. and if that is so, then it turns out that i've actually indulged myself quite a lot on this..

and still considering the alternative opinion to hold true, it then leaves me with full freedom to feel the way that im feeling currently.. the sharp jabs of jealousy, the seeking out of the concerned's activitites, building happy castles and hoping for utter unrealistic things, but yet waiting in anticipation and drooling over the non-existant possibility of "if it happens", and all of a sudde, behaving like an absolute teenager.. going weak in the knees everytime i see the concerned, reaching out to the concerned, almost involuntarily accepting and agreeing to all the arguments in the concerned's favour, the high fives, and the conscious brush against the knees, everytime, and all the time.. yes, its surreal.. but it still is nice in some way or the other..

and the one thing that comes to the fore, screeming for recognition, is one undenied phenomenon::
she is always noticed in a new place, by someone, who is the centre of all others' notifications.

and it holds true. yet again.

how can you?

"how can you still be in touch with him?....NO! you're not supposed to be that way."

"umm.., its possible to stay in touch with your ex, depending upon how you broke up."

two statements. two different persons. answering to the same one person. me. both elder to me, yet both colleagues. both having their drastically different and unique ways in life, yet, both coinciding in this specific aspect. though not 100 percent, but even then, in a silent undertone.

and so i wonder. im i the lucky one? or, im at fault.. failing miserably in something which i diligently preach to others..
considering the second opinion, i have quite a crowd to vote in their affirmatives.. all would be of the opinion that i've failed.. i dun practice what i always swear by, when it comes to saying others.. i'm still at that same place.. maybe even, waiting.. in denial.. in anticipation.. and all of them would then tell me to severe all ties and connections.. a strict ceasefire regarding the "connectivity".. restore "normalcy" in my life, by "eliminating" that aspect.. making it again a pseudo image of what it was previously..
and i dun think i'll like that.. coz the very thought of it it enough to drive shudders down my spine. *whine*

considering the first option, i'm the lucky one.. and it turns out, i only have me to support me in this..

but, i realise that there can be no other..like him, and also like this. for, come whatever may, he still remains my "once upon a time in sometime", where there were no promises made that weren't or couldn't be kept.. where there were no conditions and constraints.. where there were no explations and justifications..where there was just plain sweetness..courtsey..priceless moments..and many other such things, that just cant be defined..
so, i dunno, if its a sacrilege im committing by being in touch with him (ref to the first quote) or it justifies my action (ref to the second quote).. but whatever it may be, i cant change..i dunno, whether its still some sorta anticipation, hope, or even deceit.. i really dont know.. but what i also dont know is any other way of being with him.. i may still not talk everyday with him.. i may still not call him.. but i still cant even imagine my life without him either. even now.. even after three long years..
coz, its him. and he is still the same.. to me.

p.s.: regarding the second quote, on being asked, by yours trully, "are you still in touch?", the answer was "No."

happiness to me is

Happiness to me is:

• being told, "dekhle movie fatafat, fir sula duga :-D"
• standing underneath the shower of leaves falling from the trees
• dancing along in front of nay reflecting surface without any care or concern
• looking at my light pink bathrobe and finding it spotless after i'd washed it
• playing with my donkey and cuddling it at my heart's content, with a certain imagination *...........*
• sitting with my mug full of steaming coffee, at any time of the day

.....and probably a lot many more of the randomest and the most mundane activities.. but then, thats what happiness to me is. :)