have you ever loved a Jerk?

have you ever loved a Jerk?

oh wait! i got it wrong.. that is not possible.. no, because sure, love is blind.. but the effect or the realisation of the blindness comes later..

you don't love a jerk..
you love someone.. at times, you happen to love a man.. you pinch yourself hard enough to really believe that this is happening to you and that you're not really hallucinating or dreaming or imagining stuffs.. so, things move along smoothly.. and then, after a real considerable amount of time being spent being with each other, under the common parlance of "love", B-A-M! it goes wrong..
and then the "jerk" comes in the picture.. and you curse.. what a jerk he is? can't even stand up for the cause he wants? and then you condition your mind to get out of it.. and you try to fool yourself, and even succeed in that, and live a new life.. without the jerk part featuring in it.. ah well, at least apparently..

but then, rule of the nature.. what goes around comes around.. a familiar knock on the door.. the familiar white light.. the familiar everything.. and all those that was once locked simply breaks open the lock and comes rushing to the fore..

and you realise the love never went anywhere.. but this time its different.. this time, it makes you mad.. because this time, you know he is a jerk.. and yet there's that part of you, that still loves him.. or wait, there's that part of you, that always loved him..

so yeah, i ask again? have you ever loved a jerk?
i might know someone, who has.

return

“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were” - Gibran Kahlil.

i have always believed that people have a natural instinct to return.. come back to the place where they began.. that point in life, is always worth a remembrance from where it all started.. and it holds true for me.. and always had.. 
people have always come back to me.. in some point or other, in some way or other.. i guess, being a nomad has this in-built trait.. of having things/people getting back to you at some point in your life.. i never really looked forward to them coming back.. maybe because, i've always wanted them to be in a form of a good surprise, a happy "reunion" sorts..
but of course, everything doesn't leave a good impression.. there are some, you wish to never ever have back in your life.. i did too.. in fact, i still do.. 
but i know, they'll all come back.. they always do.. it's always the case of "and when we'll meet, which i'm sure we will "that works it's way with me.. 
i don't fear people going away.. i understand.. everything has it's own own space and time.. but i'm only afraid of one thing.. i'm afraid, that when they do come back, maybe i've moved way too far along.. maybe i'm no more at the place where they'd left me.. maybe, it's just too late.. so, when they do come back, i'll know, because i always know.. but maybe, they might just not find me..

i quoted Kahlil Gibran.. not because i follow him or his works.. but this particular quote came up in my social page and it triggered a lot of muddled and tangled feelings.. followed with all the flashbacks..

i don't know anymore, what to make out of love.. i don't know what that means.. i'm not even sure whether i'm for, or against it.. and it's all because of a certain incident a year and a half back.. a certain point in time.. but, i was not really like this.. i had love in my life.. i did love someone like i never knew i could.. and i felt good about it.. and even, to this day, i don't regret loving the way i did that particular person.. i don't regret giving him those years of my life.. because, i was happiest then.. true, it didn't end the way i'd hoped.. in fact, the way it did, made me what i am now.. uncertain about love.. but i knew, that it'll also come back.. and that frightened me.. because, deep down, i waited for it to return.. but i also feared that maybe it'll all be too late.. maybe when he comes back, i just won't be there..

so, as per the above quote, i did let him go, when he went  away.. and now, after a year and a half, after desperate attempts of moving on, after endless trials of waiting and finally giving up and learning to live without being whole, he does come back.. at a time, i never hoped he will.. he remembers almost verbatim, the last conversation.. almost everything about the "traits".. and tries hardest to get back into "talking".. so, somehow, he did come back.. so, am i to conclude, that he was mine?

i still can't shake off the way i felt, and maybe still do, when it comes to him.. yes, it's not easy.. and it's painful, because pushing those times of my life at the deepest and the darkest corner of my soul, was something near impossible.. the constant reminder that i can never be whole again, and still learning to live with it and smiling for the cameras.. and this is where, my fear comes true.. it's just too late.. because, he remembers me from where he left.. but i'm no more there.. i'm no more that person.. i can never be that person.. because, that part of me died, or gave up living, or couldn't survive his going away.. the reason being, he was the very life.. so, i had to carve, to create, a new "me".. a life where there exists no sign of what was before..

so now, how do i live? because, with his every attempt, all those memories that i had pushed far behind, somehow manage to come up.. and then begins the conflict.. which, i don't know how to resolve.

so maybe, somethings should never EVER come back.