"waiting"

"From the very first time I rest my eyes on you, boy,
My heart said follow through
But I know now that I'm way down on your line
But the waiting feeling's fine.
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string
'Cause I know how to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb,
I wanna know when you're gonna come.

See, I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause summer is here, I'm still waiting there,
Winter is here and I'm still waiting there.

Like I said, it's been three years since I'm knocking on your door
And I still can knock some more.
Ooh boy, ooh boy, is it crazy love ? I wanna know now
For I to knock some more. You see...
In life I know there is lots of grief
But your love is my relief.
Tears in my eyes burn, tears in my eyes burn
While I'm waiting, while I'm waiting for my turn."

"something always there to remind me"

"I walk along the city streets
You used to walk along with me,
And every step I take reminds me
Of just how we used to be.

When shadows fall, I pass a small cafe
Where we would dance at night
And I can't help recalling how it
Felt to kiss and hold you tight

I was born to love you, and I will never be free
You'll always be a part of me

If you should find you miss the sweet
And tender love we used to share
Just go back to the places where we used to go,
And I'll be there

Oh, how can I forget you,
When there is always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

I was born to love you, and I will never be free
You'll always be a part of me

'Cause there is always something there to remind me.

Always something there to remind me."

p.s.: and it will always be safe with me.

"when you know"

"When you know that you know who you love, you can't deny it.
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.
When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go
Cos you know and you know that you know.

When you feel in your skin in your bones and the hollow
Of your heart, there's no way you can wait till tomorrow.
When there isn't any doubt about it once you come this close
Cos you know and you know that you know.

You can feel love's around you like the sky 'round blue
This is how love has found you, now you know what to do.

When you know that you know who you need, you can't deny it.
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.
When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go
Cos you know and you know that you know.

And it's time you come in from the cold.
Haaa...
And you know that you know."

coffee, conversations and..a lot can happen over coffee

and yes.. its again back to the fav setting of all times.. with the most familiar theme and environment surrounding me, i can never ever be a stranger in that place..and with the companion that i was fortunate enough to have, i can never be "sad" for long too.. (love you truck loads!)

n the topic veering around break-ups and patch-ups and then without warning, my mind took flight to the idea of "break-up parties"! and it has the facts as proof too!

#1. that was exactly 2 yrs 9 months and 16 days ago. the time, 0100 hrs.. n my schedule for that day read: a grand lunch with bardidi and pishi, followed by shopping at park street and camac street, followed by super awesome coffee at park street CCD.. coming back home (read: thamma bari) just before dinner tym, and then the celebration with red wine! an unplanned and unintended break-up party! :-P

#2.  exactly 48 hrs back. the first 24 hrs that followeed werent that grand, though the night was cheered up by p.a.. the beginning of the next 24 hrs was absolute harrowing.. but the nyt again was a time for celebration.. coffees and conversations, familiar place and smiling faces.. even though a certain someone was missed in the "journey", but the time spent was nothing short of "celebration"! "coffees and conversations" :) and coming back home to a gala dinner feast. and the trend continues.. an incidental "break-up" party, once again! ;) and well, of course, nyts with p.a, being the integral part! *loves*

and guess, "she" is back in her groove!

p.s. : and "she" loves You! :-D

rains and glum

i was sad and glum..
the weather was also in sync..
or so i thought..
it was dark outside too,
with grey clouds on the loom..
covering what it was for a moment,
a glimpse of the sun..
and so as i sat at the window looking out,
i couldnt help but my eyes welled up..
some fights are hard to bear,
even if it is with someone who is not so dear..
and as i find my tears making their way down,
i hear the rains too pounding hard with a crashing sound..
for sometime it seemed as if its crying with me..
telling me "yes, i understand your grief"..
i couldnt help stop my tears,
but then i hear that unmistakable sound of my fear..
a flash of bolt, coupled with a horrifying "crash"..
felt like it will take an eternity to pass..
and then i realise, maybe it doesnt like me sad..
but then, its just one of those days,
when i cant help being sad..
and so as i sit looking out at the rains,
i feel my tears rolling down my face.

"something about the way the hair falls in your face"

"we got the afternoon
you got his room for two
one thing i've left to do
discover me
discovering you

one mile to every inch of
your skin like porcelain
one pair of candy lips
your bubble-gum tongue

coz if you want love
we'll make it
swimming a deep sea
of blankets
take out your big plans
and break 'em
this is bound to be a while

your body is a wonderland
your body is a wonder (i'll use my hands)
your body is a wonderland

something about the way the hair falls in your face
i love the shape you take whole crawling towards the pillowcase
you tell me where to go and
i might leave to find it
i'll never let your head hit the bed
without my hand behind it

you want love?
we'll make it
swimming a deep sea of blankets
take out your big plans and break 'em
this is bound to be a while

your body is a wonderland
your body is a wonder (i'll use my hands)
your body is a wonderland

damn baby
you frustrate me
i know you're mine,all mine all mine
but you look so good, it hurts sometimes

your body is a wonderland
your body is a wonder (i'll use my hands)
your body is a wonderland
your body is a wonderland"

******************************************************************

she realised the truth in the words of that person who had said once upon a time, that sometimes the songs depict exactly the feelings and the emotions that run within you..

a harmless song, one of her favourites.. she used to sing it in careless whispers.. she loved listening to it and everytime she listened, she couldn't help but sing along with it, with a smile on her face.. it was almost an involuntary reaction.. but for those incidents..after which, everytime she listened to this song, she was always reminded of her times with him.. where each and every lines of the song used to remind her of each and every moment in extreme precision, spent with him.. she couldnt help but think, as if the words were written in accordance with her.. coz, each was symbolic in exact similarity to the incidents in her real life.. n so now, in addition to the careless whispers and the smile, everytime she listened to the song, she pictured them, the way they were.. like what the song says.. coz, everytime she closed her eyes, she found him right there in front of her.. his loving look, his caressing hands..his soft embrace n yet that authourative ownership on her.. the way she felt him on her.. and she took him with her..always..forever.

for dropping me back home, everytime

and every time i close my eyes, i see you right there.. for all the beautiful moments that you gave me, even the moon felt shy to intrude.. it saddens me to not see you, but it lifts me up everytime whenever i think of you..one of my most beautiful times and significant occasions, i was there with you, and you were there with me..i dunno if it is love, but it is definitely something that puts a smile on my face..every time..always..

will miss being called by the "name" you call me by.. and dunno abt you, but i'll definitely miss you. 

a night to remember

and if you ask me what made it special, there were many things to even rank those among themselves.. but the bestest part will be the (post)birthday kiss..a pricelss moment..which may not ever be repeated.. but for all the times that it lasted, it felt like "love"..

the end-of-the-day call from the dearest one..which was the most eagerly waited upon.. ask me what it feels like? i'd say "blessed in love"..

and the most amazing birthday nights ever.. they made me feel like a princess!

23 on 23! it definitely was special! :)

23 on 23!

and yes, it was special in every way! every possible and every concievable way! :-D
with conversations, talks, calls n meetings.. even after-meetings ♥ that sweet moment..

and they sealed their goodbye with a kiss.

the night that was.
of smiles, of laughters,
and of heated discussions..
of sound-blasting music
and mother-sister-zussamen dancing..
of a thousand secrets shared with just a stare in the dark..
of the sweet taste..
of the cherished n precious embrace..
of the cold night air with rains pounding on the window..
of the hushed talks and the narrow bed..
counting down to every sighs n trickling sweat..
where they lay, till it rained..
and sealed their "goodbye" with a kiss.

"absence of evidence is not evidence of absence"

she never said much.. yet she was always there.. she rarely voiced out her views and opinions.. yet, she had them in plenty.. she was "reserved", n so were her "thoughts".. yet they were percieved, albeit just in their "presence" n not the "Details".. like a shadowy ghost.. she never said aloud.. n yet she was heard.. her silence "spoke".. everytime..all the time..

........and he told her, that, he'd miss her not talking to him..

how comfortable and secure can you be? with yourself? in your skin? with your company? with your "soul(mate)"? with "stranger"? thoughts? belief? feelings? intonnations?
or, how would you really define "comfortable" and "secure"? is it the point in time, when you have all the answers to all the questions plausible in simple layman terms? or when you have the answers that satisfies only you?
or is it when you just realise that there is no pressing need for any answer, what-so-ever..when its the doings, the silent yet omnipresent realisations of the actions..

i dunno what it is.. because i've experienced all the above mentioned situations, in a mutually exclusive manner.. and each time i was with the belief that "well, maybe this is what it is to be comfortable and secure".. but with each passing situations and me experiencing a new one, it makes me ask again and again.. "what really is comfortable and secure"? n then at times i feel----------------->

maybe, just walking with him with his arms around me, is "comfortable and secure".

♥

Dilon mein tum apni betabiyan leke chal rahe ho.
Toh zinda ho tum!
Nazar mein khwaabon ki bijliyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum!

Hawa ke jhonkon ke jaise aazad rehna seekho
Tum ek dariya ke jaise, leharon mein behna seekho
Har ek lamhe se tum milo khole apni baahein
Har ek pal ek naya samaa dekhiye

Jo apni aankhon mein hairaniyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum!
Dilon mein tum apni betabiyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum!
♥

 

 

p.s.:: but for you, i probably would have never listened to it in the way you do.. the way your eyes lit up when you told me about this.. the way i can sense your entire self swaying to its resonance.. the way "we" listened to it, together..♥ n the way it assures and reassures me----->"toh zinda ho tum!"

Dilon mein tum apni betabiyan leke chal rahe ho.
Toh zinda ho tum!
Nazar mein khwaabon ki bijliyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum!

Hawa ke jhonkon ke jaise aazad rehna seekho
Tum ek dariya ke jaise, leharon mein behna seekho
Har ek lamhe se tum milo khole apni baahein
Har ek pal ek naya samaa dekhiye

Jo apni aankhon mein hairaniyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum!
Dilon mein tum apni betabiyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum!
♥

p.s.:: but for you, i probably would have never listened to it in the way you do.. the way your eyes lit up.. the way you gave it to me..

the last mumbai rains sure has some very (sur)real and special memories with it.. and maybe it was saving itself for the last "encounter", that only in my last few days of bbay sojourn, am i experiencing bbay, in the entire new form.. a way in which i had only hoped that how nice it would be if i'd been able to live that.. a picture which was only and would always feature in my bbay "dreams".. n now, when i'm living it, it appears to be absolute surreal.. so much so, that im finding it really overwhelming n overpowering a feeling, most of the times..

it seems as if im living it to the extent that all that i'd missed out in the last 2 years, i'm living it all up (and how!) in style since the last 6 weeks! friends (with the "perfect" definition of it), place, fun, smiles, jokes, party, fun-times together n what not! including even the "girl-dates" to the "dates", secrets n confessions, fights n arguments, debates n entertainments, and all so many of them thats its almost impossible to note it all down n explain in words..

i've lived many firsts in my last few days of bbay sojourn..first experience of being friends with a guy who is way elder than me..married, in fact.. "friends" to the extent that we can even indulge in healthy flirting.. knowing people from varied backgrounds..so varied that even inspite of almost everyone being from Maharashtra and speaking Marathi, it gives a complete cosmopolitan feel to the entire group..my first experience of theatre and plays.. my first experience of a "night out" too! my first experience of the other part of bbay..a part, i never knew.. my first tryst with real "rock" n "club".. my first romance with the rains n beer..

and maybe, it'll only be these last 6-odd weeks of my bbay sojourn, that defines me now..im neither afraid, nor proud not even regretful..im happy.. in the truest form imaginable.. happy that im not living with any false pretences..happy for the basic fact that im not required to hide anything from anyone.. happy for the fact that i can be ME.. and happiest for the fact that im existing as ME.

yes! what i missed the most in the place where i was, the last 2 years, i got it all here.. something which was duly overdued. F-R-I-E-N-D-S. and the silver lining to it---> it comes with NO pre-conditions..

P.s. :: and of course, nothing taking away from those sweet-nothings moments, the hi5s, the walking-hand-in-hand, the dropping-me-off-to-home, getting wet in the rains, the "kaltes Bier", the sea splashing, impromptu-plans-with-a-margin-of-5-mins, and the best of all----------> the companionship♥! memories, maybe, are made of these....♥

what can be better than this?

rains, setting sun, splashing sea, impromptu plan, n beer :)
pizza, pasta n beer. :)
conversation, truth-n-dare n beer. :)
secrets n beer :)

walking hand-in-hand, sitting closely, eyes for each other, n walking with arms around..
i ges, my night's made :)
♥♥

******************************************************************

******************************************************************

 

thinking abt all the beautiful moments lived together in that short evening and her long night.. :) and yes she will admit to this, she loved every bit of it then. n she loved every bit of it even after. the secrets, yes. n the "journey", the "rendezvous" n the many dates, with also the promises of certain "kind".. :)

n she knew, her "missing him" moments are always for keeps. but she didnt know, how far would she be able to go with them..

but till then, she did continue to miss him.. n think about him.. fondly.. going over the sweet memories :)

she missed his presence.. his lingering presence.. even in his omnipresence..something as if he was screaming "who's got my back", and yet she wasnt able to find him..
she missed his sight..

 

and so when he was back, she refused to let go of his sight.. constantly in the sight :) for her.. and for him.. from the moment it started, till the moment it came to an end.

his sound..

 

and she listened without breaking his conversation.. listened intently and intensely.. just listened him talk.. listened to her heart's content to all his sounds.

his sighs..

 

she was pained, but for once, she was reaqdy to take that in her stride.. his sighs were like priceless.

his smiles..

the broad grin and the "happy" smiles were good to see again.. the welcoming smile, the "secret sharing joke" smile, the understanding smile.. his smiles.

his winks..

just that subtle sign, of taking her into confidence..the best part---> she knows.. he knows.

his jibes..
his "pulls".. 

the great battle that never ends.. the ever going teasing and making fun of.. random identity.. but yet discreet.

his talks..
his "brags"..
his ego..

its all collective.. she can never get him have enough of it..

his "falls".. 

and that was all well disguised..this time in the form of "falling necklines" *chuckle*

his laughs..
his jokes..

 

and today she realised how much she missed them.. she could almost see herself begging him for more.. laughing at the stupidest of them too.

his facts..
his arguments.. 
his plain disgusts..

 

they are always for a reason.. valid reasons.. and the outcome--> his disgusts.. outright disgusts. she doesnt want him to be disgusted.. she wants him to smile.

his "tea"..

and it was reduced to "peg" today.. his welcome-back tea ;)

his "songs"..

made the official DJ for the future party... and he promised to deliver..willingly. *yayyie!*

his talks..
his subtle leans..
his quick stares..
his walks..
his waves..
his hi5's..

and all these.. including his waits.. his conversations.. his stories.. his itinaries.. his 'looking out' for her..his walking along with her..the "last" goodbye.. the "reluctant haste goodbye".. the many hi5s.. and the touch and leans..

she missed his PRESENCE.. she missed his EXISTENCE.. she missed his "BEING THERE".. she missed HIM.

 

she was glad to have him back.. and she got her "journey" back. 

why are you so illusive? :(
it wont hurt much to be a bit more explicit..
even if you are a patron of subtlety,
surely it wont hurt much to be more expressive..
so all that i ask for is
you to be a lil more present
with a "ping" or an occassional "ring"
or even the "knock-knock" game..
coz, somewhere not so far away from you
there's a heart that beats and a voice that sings
in the hope that it will ring, one more time that day.

firsts and lasts

and she always made it a point to be the first one.. for him.. for his case.. the first one to tell him.. the first one to wish him.. the first one for him to begin the day and the year with..
she also wanted him to be the first one.. for her.. the first one to begin her day with.. and the last one to end her day with..

and she could never explain the "why".

she smiled

she felt blessed, far from above.. she felt at peace, even when standing amidst muck and slop! she felt as if she belonged there.. like the perfect time to be at the perfect place.. where everything is in sync and nothing is coarse.. where it all comes together to be that ONE.. and she, standing underneath the pearly drops, and enveloped by the muffled hustles, could feel all that.. serene.. tranquil..

she smiled.


p.s.: and she smiled once again later, when the "budday wish" was postponed till her arrival. :)

she could never explain the way she felt.. the cruel feeling making its way up from within her. everytime she faced Her, she had that jab of disgust and jealousy.. she detested Her.. for Her gaining proximity to him.. for them talking.. for him calling "Her" and not her.. she tried making her feeling explicit.. but it never cut across the way she wanted it to be.. and the worst part, he will probably never ever be aware of all this.. coz, he was never there, when this all happened..

and yes. she missed him..every passing second..it getting worse..all the more..ever..n ever..